[Juliana13]

You are Mom. Call yourself Mom. Call her your daughter, not your niece. Of course, tell her the truth, but age appropriately. Don't ever tell her she's not your real daughter. Tell her that she was adopted, and what that means, and tell her that her cousin (yes, he is her cousin) has the same birthparents as she does. As she gets older, she will make the connections, and as she understands biology better, you can elaborate that they are biological siblings, but calling him her brother right now would be confusing to her. She's never lived with him, does not consider him her brother. As she gets older and understands better, she will have a better understanding of her unique relationship with him. She needs to feel like your family is 100% HER family, that she belongs. Of course, honor her bio family - and make it positive, not something she needs to be insecure about, because it will be a big part of her.

When others comment on her different looks, you can tell them she's adopted (leaving out the "she's our niece" part - that will be confusing to her, and may make her feel like you don't consider her fully your daughter. She's not your niece anymore. She's your daughter.) Or, if they are strangers, and you don't reel the need to broadcast your adoption at every comment, you can just say, "We're just lucky! Isn't she beautiful?"

As for how soon you tell her, she may be old enough now to get some basics. My first got it at 2 1/2, having a baby brother show up, and having several pregnant friends really helped the understanding... But my now three year old has no clue. If you ask, he can tell you that he grew in J's tummy, not Moms, cuz Mom's is broken, and he'll tell you that J loves him. But that's about it. My oldest understood much more at that age. And starting now makes it easier - because you never have to "break the news" to them, it's just a part of who they are, and will be natural and positive to them, not some secret or something to have to brace themselves for. There are a few good books out there for children - some better than others - and some more geared to different types of adoption - but you could read a book and then say this little girl was adopted, just like you! Did you know you didn't grow in my tummy, either? You grew in ___'s - and we are so lucky to have you in our family!" or something like that.

In short, tell her now. And you can stop telling people she's your niece - she's your daughter.