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Hi Jenna,
You sound just like me. I also get very distressed when I have to lie about my little boy. I feel so guilty already, and now I feel guilty because I can't share my love for him to the world. It's a secret love, bounded by society and hidden by me. You are right, it makes a sick feeling in the stomach, hiding this huge secret is a burden that we have to carry fo the rest of our lives. My maid of honour doesn't even know. I used to tell everyone when I went back to school after the adoption, and people hurt me, so badly. They used my weekness against me and it was torture. I lost a lot of friends and was unable to trust people anymore. I felt safer when people didn't know. I didn't want to share him anymore, he was my little boy, and I already share him with his aparents, there is no room for anyone else. And besides, it just freaks people out. They don't know what to say, they just stutter and make wincing noices. I even had someone just walk away once. They just couldn't handle it. I finally had to move.....so I hopped an ocean and now live over 10,000 miles away. I had to realise that an open adoption IS open...between the aparents and the bparents, not with the world. It just doesn't work. I know how you feel. It's not easy, and I'm right there with you! Big Hugs. xxx Lea
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