[KzooPAPA]

I am a bit lost, to be honest. I have spent an inordinate time searching the web for people with similar experience - but it is in the adoption forums that I find people most able to provide insight.

Understand . . . that I was raised by my mother and only my mother. While certainly not adopted, I have NEVER known any information about my father. Not a shred. In fact, I wasn't terribly concerned with an individual who through my own assumption cared nothing for me. My father left before I was born - and until this week, my mother has never spoken more than the words "He was a good man - but I told him if he left, to never come back."

A bit of info - I am a fairly successful 32 year old married male with my first child on the way. Perhaps it is through the pregnancy process with my wife, that I have become more and more interested in actually finding out WHO my father is. Regardless, I finally (after 32 years) worked up the courage (okay that's not really true - my wife forced my mother and I to talk) to ask my mother more about my father. The insuing discussion left me speechless, and now more confused than ever . . .

Apparrently my mother was involved with a married man - with whom she had an affair and a subsequent child (ME). This man then proceeded to return to his married life and asked to never be burdened again. My mother (out of love, I truly believe) complied and to her credit refused to tell me anything about him until that conversation a few nights ago. My question is, now that I know the whole story (names, birthday, family info,etc) how do I proceed?

Through some quick internet searching (who said being a computer geek couldn't help out in life at somepoint) I have found that my BIODAD is alive and well in Florida. But how do I go about making contact? And the bigger question, should I?

You see - my BIODAD was nearly 20 years older than my mother at the time I was born, which makes him almost 80 years old now. I have no idea as to his condition or mental status. I KNOW where he lives, and now have a confirmed address and phone (having resourceful friends can be a wonderful thing!) but for the life of me, I don't know what to do with it!! The idea of having a geriatric BIODAD is disturbing - but I feel compelled to move forward.

While I realize this situation is clearly not an adoption issue - it seems to mee that much of the pain/guilt/anger/excitement/fear that I am having now is quite similar to that which many of you have so eloquently described. It is my hope that through a few of your experiences and insight, I might better to be able to understand and cope with these feelings and in fact find a way to move forward.

Please - help!!