[tlee70]

Shadow riderer, I have read many of your posts over the years and we have many things in common. Do you have any contact with your bmom now? I have had more contact in the last few years than previously. 2 visits in the last two years...versus, two visits in 13 years...so this is progress. We seem to be at a place where there isn't any outward anger. I get the odd email from her every couple of months...always the promise of getting together or calling, but it never happens. We live about 3hrs apart, so it's not a huge deal.... This week I got an email from her saying "happy thanksgiving" and said sorry that she hadn't responded to my email (from 2months ago)...said she never seems to get to the computer, but she thinks about me all the time. What does that mean?? She said in her email she would call me this week ... but of course, that hasn't happened. As much as I say that I have accepted the way our relationship is...these things are still disappointments. Can you relate?

I recently went to my sister's wedding on my bfather's side. When bsis and I first met, there seemed to be a bond between us...it developed over the first couple years, but then after I sent that letter to bfather....it seems all has changed. We live in the same city, have for 4 yrs, but seldom have I seen her in the last few. The wedding was very challenging for me.......I struggled with going. I made up my mind that I definately wanted to see her get married, but the reception I wasn't sure about. My husband and I did go, but in some ways I wasn't really prepared for the onslaught of emotions I felt. Outwardly, I was very poised and self confident, but inside....I was a mess. The cermony was beautiful and I was so happy for her....she was picture perfect. I first started feeling upset when we were having some cocktails with my aunt and husband....someone came and asked them to go for some pictures with the wedding party... never once did my sister and her husband ask to get a picture with us. This was my validation that she really didn't think of me as family....I was very hurt by this, but I plastered a smile and pushed my tears back... During the reception, there was talk of family all around....again, there I sat feeling very awkward, and sad. It's not that anyone denys who I am...... it's just there's no acknowledgement that I am family...I am bfather's daughter. The wedding was beautiful and I'm very thankful that we were invited, but at the same time, it was alot harder then I ever dreamed it would be.

I have so much family...yet I feel like I have none. The only place where I feel that I am truly accepted is with my husbands family... As much as I say I have accepted this with both bparents...I still have sadness about it, some days more than others. Today I think is hard....no call from bmom, no contact from bdad's family since wedding. Sometimes I think it would be easier to have no family at all..especially afamily.