Colleen wrote
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Once you allow your heart to heal, it will become easier for you to see her for the person she is, an emotional woman, as we all are, who is trying to figure her way through this too.
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If we are solid in self.. we can cope with the reunion.. I think.
Have become comfortable with what happened.. Or.. heck.. connected with what happened..
Its not an open wound.. its not a deep and horrible resentment.. or its not a thing we obsess on.. Our obsession with ourselves.
And visa versa..
I just went for a ride in the car with hubby.. We were listening to Loren McKenna.. and I remembered my trip to Boston.. (Toronto to Boston on the all nite Greyhound bus.).. I had just bought that CD and listened to it in the middle of the nite on that ride..
All those terrible feelings I had blocked.. and I had taken the Greyhound bus from Boston to Miami when I was pregnant..
I think that latter trip to Boston was me going through all that with my adult grown up mind.
I journaled when I got to the Boston Terminal.. Wrote about how I had arrived there on my own in 1964. Stayed at the YWCA.
I was able to stand back and see the experience.. and make peace with it..
Write words in my journal that told me what I know now..
Now I do not have to give my journals to my bson as I had planned to do.. I am sure he does not want them..
Toooo emotional..
Now I can see who he is and act accordingly..
Rose wrote.
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I still feel like the victim( in this relationship too) and dont know how to move past that. It will always be with me, I just try not to dwell on "that" past.
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But its coming around again.. and can not be stopped.. I found this with my reunion.. things I thought were well behind me came back.. Things I did not want to know about or think about..
I ran from Boston.. I messed up bad in Boston and got out of there..
I thought it was gone but it is not..
I live with the guilt of how I acted back then.. and how I do not know who the father of my bson is..
I have to had to tell him this..
And there is a part of me that is guilty..
But these are my demons.. and yours are different..
Life sucks.. sometimes..
Keds I think you and I have the same issue.. I can not fix him.. I can not get into his ‘stuff’… My second and third born I know and can make judgments on what to say and do.
Not with bson.. and maybe this is what hurts the most.. I love to get into people.. as my writing shows here and other places..
Him I do not get to do that with..
Jackie