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Originally Posted by rebeccawolf
My son was born in January Every year for about a month before and a month after his Birthday, I get all weepy and cranky. Does anyone else experience this phenomena? Is there any "cure"?
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My son is now 29 and we are in reunion. My memory is hazy, because I was one of those mom's that went numb. Very numb. I managed to blot out my son's relinquishment by burying my feelings. Deep. If I can remember correctly [and there's no saying that I do, because even now, I get flashbacks now and then and I type it up quick before I forget it, as I realise how important it may be to discuss with my son when he shows he's ready for it] - every year the date would knife me in my heart and I would remember it every year. Then as the years went by and the pain was so excruciating that I would numb it with a kind of indifference. Some years I would remember coming up to the date, on the date, or sometimes I would think, heh, it was some months ago and I'd gotten through it. I don't think this was indifference on my part, just survival value.
When he came to the age of 16 an anonymous article was printed 'will my son look for me?'. I'd been in denial all that time and I guess secretly I'd hoped that he would look for me, but again, I went into denial, hope was like buried under the avalanche of disappointment. Looking back, it was a long 10 years before he searched at the age of 28 and found me, but by that time, I had buried almost every memory I could of him.
Get this, even my best friend said that 2 weeks before he found me, I'd said to her 'I wonder how he is, is he still alive? What kind of lad has he turned out to be?'. I have no recollection of that conversation. In fact I do know that I have mentioned him over the years to a few trusted friends, but even those conversations I have no recollection of. It must have been too much to even allow myself to think of him. So I didn't. My mind would bury any questions any thoughts, hope, love, well and truly deep, well away from my acknowledging it.
It was only upon reunion that my son reawakened what I must have suppressed all those years and gradually the thoughts and feelings are coming out of permafrost. I knew something was wrong because for my age I was never very mature. Reunion has turned that on its head.
I know I've warbled on a bit, but its just to show some reactions are not the same as others. Some cry every year, but because I didn't, doesn't mean that something wasn't there. I hope these thoughts may prove valuable to someone that is puzzled by why their birth mother doesn't remember some things.