[akaAdoptee]

I went through the exact same thing. I began searching (to the best of my ability) at age 18, was able to do more after I turned 21, and finally found my birthmother (through the help of a searcher, and some wonderful clerk at the courthouse who sent MORE than the medical information I requested from my adoption file) two weeks before I turned 30. I was at my seacher's house when she called my birthmother, who even though she acknowledged the child she gave up for adoption, told my searcher the day I was born was the day I died as far as she was concerned.

Needless to say, I was completely devastated.

The week after I turned 30, my searcher found more information, and let me know I have a half-sister. I immediately made plans to go meet her -- which I did. Much to my surprise, and though it wasn't on any of the documents uncovered by my searcher, my half-sister lived with my biological mother.

We (my half-sister) an I tried to maintain a secret relationship, but were eventually found out. I ended up meeting my biological mother, who quickly let me know I was NOT her child, and she really had no interest in a relationship. Although we kept in touch (more so my half-sister and I), when I could walk on egg shells no more and sent a letter asking about my biological father, my birthmother (in effect) slammed the door on our relationship and told me in no uncertain terms she would never reveal the identity of my birthfather, and to leave her alone.

Again, I was crushed.

I have enough information on my birthfather to begin searching, and sometimes I'm gung-ho, and at others I just cry and throw up my hands.

I think the worst is when I see adoption stories on the television (like tonight, on 20/20) where everything goes well and there's a happy ending.