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"Owning" what happened. Yes I carried the guilt for putting myself in the situation, even though I know I wasn't responsible, I still carried that guilt. Now I know it wasnt my fault but it took years to tell myself , all the while knowing I had a child and trying to "forget" as we all are told. I think at times I blocked out the real story and replaced it with a better one, for me that is. I made myself believe it was just the one night stand with the young man I was out with that night. It took a while to "own up" and say that wasn't the truth. I suppose that's why I felt easy just saying I didn't know the father, it could have been....etc. Self defense, I don't know.
I could name the guy I went out with that night, but not sure if that would spin more lies. I didn't know the names of the boys, just "been here" sigs. I know what happened was terrible and its been hard. My only relief is that I wasn't conscious during the rest.
Its hard opening this back up, but I know for her sake it will help. Life is stressful enough. I don't want to add more to her, nor selfishly to myself. I'm wore out.
I would ask her Aparents, but its such a sore spot. Like if we don't talk about it, it never happened and they wouldn't have to tell her. I don't think they have told her. I would think they would warn me if they did. I understand kids hearing the adult conversations, I was one of those kids years ago.
I've not started the letter yet. I thought I would have time but the week ended up busier than I thought. But reading every one's thoughts and opinions has gave me much to think about.
talking about this is helping me. Thank goodness I feel safe at home, no one staring me in the face watching for my reactions. I can mull over any thoughts and hit backspace when needed. I wish I had came here sooner.
If I've over looked a question, its not on purpose. Just so much to take in and process. It's a good thing.
I'm anxious to her from her again. I may send an email since its been some time since I've heard from her. Take it slow and see how it goes. I've calmed down some in the last few days, may have built up some courage.
Baby steps, loving baby steps.
Rose
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