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Vanice - I would be hard pressed to ever tell anyone they searched for the wrong reasons. Exactly what reasons are the "wrong" reasons and what reasons are the "right" reasons? I know you probably did not mean to sound harsh, but Crystal is now asking for help on what to do next and needs our support.
Crystal - Did your bmom ever give you a heartfelt apology for what she put you and your sisters through? Has she asked you for forgiveness? If she did not, your pulling away is nothing to feel guilt over as she has not taken responsiblity for her actions. If she has asked your forgiveness and you are having trouble forgiving her, let me give you something to think about. When we forgive somebody, we are releasing or letting go of all the hatred, anger, resentment, and ill feelings towards that person. We can forgive someone because we choose to do that, even if they haven't asked us to, because forgiving someone else is much more important for ourselves and own emotional well being than for the person we are forgiving. Forgiveness is a mental choice we make to ourselves, and slowly, the ill feelings release themselves. However, it was explained to me by my Pastor, that many people (me included) believe reconciliation is combined with forgiveness. They are very separate matters. You can choose to forgive someone without being reconciled with that person. That doesn't mean you haven't forgiven them, you just choose not have that person in your life, or you limit your exposure to them. That's called self preservation, and most people that choose to separate themselves or limited themselves from someone does it because the relationship is not healthy and it causes them pain, anguish, guilt, anger, sadness, stress, etc. That's okay.
You have been through more than most people, and I couldn't possibly understand all your feelings. You did not deserve to be treated the way that you were. Your anger and fears are quite understandable and you have emotional scars from your experiences. And yet, from your words, I see great strength, wonderful courage, and character. You made the effort to find her, your suspicions were confirmed by her, now you wonder whether or not to have her in your life. Only you can make that decision based on how she makes you feel. If you choose to keep the relationship, do so on your terms - set limits and boundaries. Talk to her about your feelings. If you choose to break off the relationship, be truthful. Tell her why, and be firm about wanting no contact. You sound as though you have a wonderful heart, Crystal, and stepped out of your comfort zone to find answers. That takes courage. Now think about forgiveness if you can, and let your heart make the decision on the relationship. I will keep you in my prayers and ask you be given wisdom and peace with your decision! God bless you, Crystal. Kim
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