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I think where the difficulty with the word "Mom" occurs is in the expectations or assumptions of what the word carries, and where the most difficulty with the word "mom" occurs are often situations where there is not common agreement on boundaries or roles.

And where there is not common agreement or mutual respect (whether warranted or unwarranted- just to cover all the bases) then there will be conflict and discomfort about both the terms and the roles. And the words "mom" or "mother" much as we may try to unload them, are pretty emotionally loaded.

How and when any party uses the terms may be what gains its acceptance or rejection by another party.

I struggle with this. Sometimes I am at peace with being his mom and accepting her in his life as another mother. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and feel like saying "No she's not! I'm the only mom!" It's just not an easy thing. I remember when she was here for their first meeting and we took her to his high school to look around and we found his coach and he introduced her as "This is M, my mom." I nearly lost my breath and had to leave the room and take a walk to breathe and slow my heart rate down. I'm not denying that she's his mother but hearing him say that so soon after we all just met: "This is my mom" felt like I'd just been tossed to the sideline. I imagine it's also hard for first moms to hear their children refer to other women as "my mom"....I doubt it's an easy or simple thing to hear, or read. I've heard more than one first mom describe moments of hearing their children say something to that effect ("My mom", "my mommy", etc) and being reduced to tears and having to leave the room to gather themselves.

With adoption, it's the way it is. There are 2 women who each have been or are mothers to the child, and that's just the truth. ...but that doesn't make it a simple thing the deal with. It's probably not often (though I'm sure there are many cases) that either side relishes and enjoys being one of two. It's more something with which we each have to come to terms, at least it is for me.

My son just told me, 6 months later, that their first phone coversation that I set up by contacting her with our phone number and an invitation of day/time to call- consisted mostly of her saying "I'm your mom, I'm your real mother, I'm your mom, I'm your real mother." She's also signed her written communications, "Love, Mom"

Well, she is his mother. But because we are not on the same page about how & when to use it and what it means, it's just going to be a struggle for me. Hopefully, it won't be forever, but it is now.