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Hi!
Okay, I am going to try to be as clear as possible. And I hope I didn’t make you hesitate on adopting! It is difficult to talk about this without thinking I might scare away prospective parents. I agree that all of us have emotional baggage. I don’t want to make it seem like adoptees are above anybody else.
‘Trauma’ is a heavy word, I agree. But I have to be honest, and there’s no other word I’d rather use. However, the trauma is different for every adoptee-for some, it affects them deeply. Others, they don’t notice it. It depends on the person. The trauma I am referring to is the separation from the biological family. It can be physically, emotionally, psychologically, on different levels. Please understand, your choice of adopting won’t be as traumatic with the right preparation. By researching and asking these questions, you and others, are taking that extra step. By preparing now, you will be ready to later effectively communicate with and understand your future adopted child.
You asked about my experience. For me, it is tricky. The act of being adopted was not traumatic. I am very fortunate to have an amazing adoptive family. But as I have grown older, I have become more aware of the trauma of never knowing my mother. It is a weird feeling, a loss of never knowing my biological mother. Here’s a few sections from some articles I read, to give you an idea:
“Searching, is not simply an intellectual activity for the adoptee. There is an emotional component as well, and it is my belief that this emotional component is the most important part. If one genuinely wonders why adoptees search, I think that a comprehensive answer must include the following: On one level, adoptees search so they might see, touch, and talk to their biological mother - the search is an effort to make contact with one's biological family. On a different level (the bottom line), it is something more than this. I think that the search is most fundamentally, an expression of the wish to undo the trauma of separation.
“Adoptees either hope (unrealistically, but not necessarily unexpectantly) to relive the life that was lost at the time of the separation, or hope (more realistically) to heal the wound caused by the separation, and therefore provide a more solid base for their lives.”
“Adoptees are faced with a feeling of loss and grief that they are not allowed, by society, to actively mourn. “With adoption, the child experiences a loss (like divorce or death) of an unknown person, and doesn’t know why.” (Adopting Resources, 1995) She is aware that family members are lost to her, but is expected to not mourn the loss of this family member she has never known.”
If people want, I can add the links later. But I have a feeling if prospective parents read them, they may interpret them the wrong way and decide not to adopt. The articles aren't the most cheerful ones out there. They kind of generalize adoptees in a negative way I don’t agree with, but that’s my opinion. But they also give insight in possible problems adopted children may face.
Did any of this help? I hope it did. Looking forward to anybody’s response!
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