Answers to your questions:
Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh
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1. BEFORE you read the chapter, tell me your thoughts on birth parent regret. Is it overtly negative, all positive, avoidable, unavoidable, a hindrance, a help, something to be feared, something to be celebrated... or what? Give me your opinions.</blockquote>
It's inconceivable to me that a birthmother wouldn't experience regret. I firmly believe it's unavoidable. I don't think there's much about adoption to be celebrated unless a child is saved from life in an orphanage, with abusive or drug-addicted parents. I think that birthmother regret should be acknowledged publicly; I want society to stop trying to sell the bill of goods that the mom in crisis pregnacy's life will be a clean slate, a bed of roses once she relinquishes.
<blockquote>If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, please discuss that event and how it made you feel.</blockquote> My parents, who forced the adoption dismissed my regret for over thirty years. Now, finally, my mother acknowledges that I have been tormented by the loss of my son for my entire life. My agency totally dismissed my feelings; even telling me they were selfish. They were horrible and their total lack of empathy and concern led me to attempt suicide over the loss of my child. I was sixteen years old.
<blockquote>Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently. </blockquote>
I am 53 years old. I gave birth to my placed son when I was 16. He is now 37. We have been in reunion since 1991. I married eight years after his placement and gave birth to three children whom I parented. I am now divorced. My placed son is actually living with me right now while he is in transition between states. He has lived with me before (while I was married).
I still have tremendous regret and resentment. Nothing will ever change that particularly since none of the things that were promised by the agency ever panned out. My parented children are much better off.
Maybe I'd feel differently about the whole thing if I'd had some choice in the matter. I don't know. I knew about girls who placed babies for adoption in my high school; it was never a concept I could grasp except in cases of abuse, neglect, addiction. I think pregnant girls should be offered assistance as a first course of action, not to be relieved of their babies or their babies separated from their blood relatives.
Having said that I have been tormented all of my life by the loss of my eldest child does not mean that I have made nothing of my life or that I wallow in self pity all day. I am a college administrator and instructor just finishing a PhD. I also sing with a professional opera company. I have a great relationship with all of my children. However, dealing with the loss has been a lifelong process. I will probably never stop beating myself up for not having prevailed over my parents and kept my son.
<blockquote>4. How does your child's adoptive family respond to your regret? </blockquote>
They feel terrible that I was forced to give up my child. The agency lied to them, too.
<blockquote>5. Your opinions on why regret, (even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary), scares the pants off of others.</blockquote> It exposes the lie behind the adoption myth that society has needed to buy into for so long. That myth has always made it possible to sweep the messiness of crisis pregnancy under the rug. I think that bmom regret makes others feel guilty. No one likes to feel guilty. I think some aparents take it personally, like it is a rejection of them, rather than of the relinquishment of a child.
Before someone jumps down my throat... I'm not saying that adoptive parents should feel guilty for wanting to parent a child or for accepting a child they believed was available into their family.
I'm going to have to find a copy of this book and read it.