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Originally Posted by tlee70
rainmon, as I've been reading your posts, you've really struck a cord with me. It's made me see that some of my actions/words may have caused anger from my bparent. I'm sure deep down I was really seeing if they would "leave" again, feeling unsure of my "place", wondering if I were just an "obligation". I decided it was safer to cut ties...since my other bparent had hurt me so much. Combine those feelings a few months after giving birth and you can imagine how emotional and angry my letter was....That was a few years ago, and I still feel that we haven't really moved past it. I was the one that eventually said sorry for my letter (even after I was told it was shared). The relationship I have with both siblings,especially my sister changed dramatically afterwards. Sometimes I just want to apologize for my exisitence and say...sorry to have upset everyone. I was confused ...still am some days, is that understandable? forgivable?? I haven't closed the door on any of my bfamily, but I'm not going to intrude any longer.
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I honestly think you should read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Your feelings above are so normal. You feel abnormal, but nothing you are saying is such. You have been reacting normally to an abnormal situation! (read my post above to rainmom). Anger and frustration is as much part and parcel of reunion, as happiness joy and ecstasy. However, communication is a MUST and my son has told me when he's been annoyed about something, because I've asked him. However, you wrote a letter to your bparent and it was shown to siblings. Your reaction to this was very strong causing you to coil back but very normal, as all adoptees like a huge measure of control over their situation due to the fact they had none when they were a baby. They grow up thinking albeit subconciously, NO-ONE is going to have that kind of power over me again! So you grow up as a chameleon trying to please all and everyone with confidence issues, relationship issues et al - how do I know this? The Primal Wound - and there is so much more that will put your mind at rest. Please do get hold of a copy even if through your local library.
So your mom shared a letter with sibs. It can be helpful you know for all to understand you. I sent a letter to my son and his adoptive mother read it without his permission because he'd left it lying on the table. It was a cry of angst from me asking him if he needed more space and time, and she pretty much bulldozed him into phoning me (albeit he was annoyed, he said he would have done it in his own time). I felt quite touched by that, as it meant she CARED and I definitely needed some support there. So although you felt it shouldn't have been read (and I don't know the content), are you able to see that you are that important that the whole family wanted to know and understand how you felt about things? or did you think they felt less of you because of what you'd said? Were you able to put your feelings on the line (I doubt it, thats like scary!) and talk on the phone? Perhaps phone is better than email/letter, as one can tell the emotions and measure whether there is a depth of caring?
So often perceived hurt is because the adoptee is so very wounded in the first place. Verrier will guide you through this. I'm just so glad and grateful to that woman for spelling it out, as I can understand adoptees so much better now, including my son, and especially my son. Its important to be more informed and if you like "taught" as to what is going on so that we can all adjust. I have had to guide my son through all of his reactions to me, his aparents, life! as he is crippled by his emotions. I feel you are too, and its absolutely normal because of your being in an abnormal situation.
Its always safer to cut ties than risk it with a mother that left you ... how many years ago? Every adoptee is ready to leg it. They test and need to keep testing a bmother and a bmother has to be prepared to be tested and "take it" so that the adoptee can grow in confidence that she indeed is not going to leave again. That could take ... however long it takes, but Verrier suggests that if the testing (by holding back, withdrawing, pull back etc ) is more than a year, its time to Come home to Self. The false self and inner child has had its grip on an adoptees life for far too long if it is interfering with relationships and its time to move on. She will explain. If you want a copy of some of the Coming home to self, PM me and I'll copy some of what I've typed up for my own son, to help him adjust and realise that his false self is crippling his ability to leave behind the fear and confusion that adoption has brought him.
Now you have given birth - oh my goodness. A pregnancy and reunion - what a double whammy! No wonder you are all over the place and plagued with doubts, emotions and scary feelings. You are a mom! and hormones and emotions all over the place. Be easy on yourself and give yourself time to adjust to these two MAJOR events in your life - reunion and becoming a mother.
Yes its best to be emotional and angry on these forums. But there is another neat little book called The adoption reunion survival guide (Julie bailey/Lynn giddens) and she mentions that relationships can be REPAIRED. p140 says:
Despite all that occurred between them, its possible that their relationship can be repaired. .. it will also take honesty and open communication. Its rather a sad way to begin a reunion but sometimes it can't be helped due to the participants lack of self improvement work (in the example given) or simply their personalities.
If it helps you to know, my son and I were pretty explosive in the first year of reunion. There were fireworks, I can tell you! we are both strong personalities. But there was humour too. He said upon reunion that he'd read our stars and it said that after the initial power struggle.... we'd be fine. ha ha. There was slamming down of phones and i got so angry at times and really gave him what for. But we kept coming back, kept trying to understand what was going on and had to make adjustments to the fantasy that the reunion was not fulfilling in either of us. Reality struck.
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Originally Posted by tlee70
Sometimes I just want to apologize for my exisitence and say...sorry to have upset everyone. I was confused ...still am some days, is that understandable? forgivable??
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Of course its forgivable. Again, in the Primal Wound you will be able to read it and say "well I never, thats me and yes, I recognise that" its kind of like coming home and funnily enough, her follow up book is called exactly that, Coming Home to Self. I think both are amazing books. Get yourself a copy and start to feel more comfortable in your own skin. Most adoptees if not all share your feelings - they have had to try and justify their existence, as why would their first mother leave if they were "good babies" and what do I have to do to make sure this second mother (amom) doesn't leave? Thats where the confusion and the false self comes in, as the adoptee tries
everything in their power to make sure they are never left again.
It makes for fascinating reading and Verrier gets literally thousands of emails/letters thanking her for validating their feelings. Please feel free to be one of them and I hope it lifts the lid off of your hurt and pain. My son and I are rejoicing because of her. let me know how you get on.
(((Hugs)))
Jannyroo