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Originally Posted by rainmon
I am wondering if the "punishment rigime" part, is being addressed in Verriers books, or is that something you have experienced. as it really rang home with me as you wrote:" If you make your self too available you can play into the adoptees punishment regime, this is not concious but it's kind of a 'see how YOU like it" yes... I think that may be happening with us, and I wonder how common it is. and while I know that most pull -backs are for protection of ones own heart, and I do beleive it should be used in extreme cases where communication has been tried and failed.
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Like I've said, its done unconciously and I only know it from my experience and from Verrier's books, my adoption counsellor (who says that adoptees, particularly males, "emotionally beat their bmothers up something chronic") and from Norcap (a UK organisation that say that about 80% of adoptees when in reunion with their bmothers make them "pay" for relinquishing them) - its not done conciously and if they are aware of it, they won't be able to stop it. It takes time and trust and enormous endurance for the bmother to allow them to be tested by their child in this way. Remember its the inner child that is responding this way and most dont realise they are doing it. It is something they have to work through and I as a bmother had to help my son work through it and after over a year, I had to call time and say "enough" as I KNOW that I'd endured enough, but I have to say, it IS tough on any bmother and anyone seeing her suffer. My sister wanted me to call time on the relationship, but somehow, I hung on in there. I'm glad I did, as my son and I have "made it" now. I've been able to reach his defenses and he trusts me now.
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Originally Posted by rainmon
I have heard on other threads by others that it has also been used to hurt or punish also, and they don't know why they do it.... and regret it after they do it but sometimes just can't stop themselves from doing it. so I am hoping that it is being addressed now as it does seem to be causing some reunion problems.and not everyone can afford to pay for counseling to get it all figured out on why they are doing it to each other.
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Verrier's books (the Primal wound you should be able to loan from a library) will help enormously, I know I worked it out for myself by researching my son through her two books. She is bang on in most things, but again, using my instincts, I was able to see most times what applied and what didn't. I have to say most of the time what I read DID apply to my son and I could make more appropriate comments when he would come out with stuff that frankly would have confused me before I read Verrier. e.g. why he was so afraid to leave home and start up on his own. As a grown man (of 29) I would have thought eh? but once I read Verrier, I realised that he needs to get his relationship with his amother much better and settled before he is able to feel secure enough for such a move. If you read Verrier's Primal Wound, what I am saying will make more sense.
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Originally Posted by rainmon
Kune, you mentioned I should save my energy for my family and friends.... but you see she IS my family now, and I also consider her a friend. and something has gone so wrong with this reunion and we have no idea what..... and... yes sometimes I am angry about it, other times sad, hurt and confused or scared at whats happening and I do come here like everyone else to learn from others, to seek understanding and to vent when needed. and if there is any way possible to find a way to put out the fire on this nice bridge that we have been building and seems now to be slowly burning, I am willing to try to save it, I am just not the type to just look the other way and pretend I don't see it burning.
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Kune I feel, is pointing out that reunion can be all consuming and sometimes we just have to get on with our day to day family life and concentrate on that and leave the dust to settle so to speak with the reunion. Sometimes what is needed is just time. time for the adoptee to come to terms with the enormous emotional hernia that has come to pass. Many years of feeling alone and not knowing who they are, and then, after decades, there she is. Their bmother. It is truly hard and I don't think the rest of us "get it" as we haven't been adoptees. Verrier again gave enormous insight into what adoptees can go through. It makes for painful reading, especially for bmoms and some can't handle it to be frank. I know it sent me into spasm, but my determination to make this reunion work for me overcame the pain and mental agony. But, we all need emotional rest and I feel that is what Kune may have been saying. Get a bit of distance from the situation for a bit, get a bit of emotional rest. THEN, patience can come forwards a bit. Its easy to lose patience when one doesn't really understand what the heck is going on and I got a few anger issues which I expressed on these forums and exasperation. Reunion just isn't normal!!! but neither is adoption either. The defense mechanisms that come about in adoptees are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - the trauma of being taken away from the woman whose womb you've spent the past 9 months in and being given to another woman who's body chemistry, smell, heartbeat, everything, just isn't right. This sets the baby up for defenses to try and cope in a world that is conflicting with what its known for 9 months, hence Verriers' explanations as to how to deal with those mechanisms and it is a skill that needs to be learned. Patience too. Asking someone (in my case, my son) - is this how it feels? and not retorting with "well you shouldn't feel that way" - they DO feel that way. Its enough to drive us all mad, but thats what reunion involves - more knowledge, more sensitivity and its a one way street with adoptees I'm afraid - they need all the understanding before they are able to respond back. LIke an illustration I've used before - its like they have broken legs emotionally - only the bmother can help heal those legs. Once that has happened, THEN they can respond and get up and walk tentatively and the reunion can be more successful. Painful? yes, unsteady? (everyone is) - but small steps at a time and TAKE TIME to get there. Everyone seems to be in a steaming rush to get a relationship off the ground, but most take a heck of a long time. Trust doesn't arrive just because one of you says you can be trusted. Only time and sticking in there will prove that to an adoptee. Again Verrier gives valuable insights that WILL prove dividends if you can apply it.
whilst counselling is expensive, I agree, I honestly think that I worked most of it out for myself by listening to my son, reading up, apologising for when I got it wrong, and helping him to heal. My pain I had to put to one side, to reach him and I feel it is worth it, to get to where we are today. I wish you success and feel free to contact me anytime.
(((hugs))))