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Originally Posted by juliebot
I'm wondering though, what is the purpose in the bmom informing the aparents of her regret? I mean this in the most respectful way possible... I sincerely want to know. Is bmom regret something that should be shared with the aparents? And if so, what would the bmom need in return from the aparents after expressing her regret? Support? Just someone to listen and validate the right to her feelings?
Again... I mean all these questions with respect, as it is often hard to read intent in words without a tone of voice.
mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)
www.journeytofamily.com
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In an open adoption, the communication has to be 100% open and honest. Respectful, of course, but 100% open and honest. If a birth parent is experiencing x-emotion but refuses to tell the adoptive parents because of y or z reason (not wanting to offend or upset or rock the boat of the adoption would be a few), what good does it do the family group? None.
If you're having an issue in your personal life, separate from adoption, and your best friend wants to know what she can do to help but you refuse to tell her because it might somehow make her feel y or z way, then you're not really utilizing your best-friendship in the best possible way, are you? The same applies to open adoption relationships. If you have to hide how you feel, for whatever imagined or real reason, the group cannot get past that point in the healing process.
D is sad that I experience regret as well, but she has also learned that it's not HER issue. It's my issue. She allows me to feel it, checks up on me with questions now and again and, when I'm struggling, she maybe does a few little "extra" things to help me through those dark times. (Sends an extra picture or a funny card just between the two of us.) If she didn't know I was struggling, she might REALLY take my inability to discuss things with her, openly and honestly, on a personal level. Knowing what she's dealing with (my personal regrets), she knows that my times of silence have NOTHING to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with myself. She's then able to act accordingly (give me space or challenge me to look at something in a new way).
I don't "need" anything from D regarding my regret. I think most birth parents would agree. The support that's offered is an extra bonus. However, without the knowledge of what I'm going through, communication comes to a standstill and that doesn't do any party any lick of good.