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full-of-hope,
I was adopted by my birth mother's brother and his wife when I was 2. I have always known that I was adopted, but I didn't find out who my biological mother is until I was 18 (my adopted parents volunteered the information). My adopted parents adopted me with a condition that my biological mother not try to take me back at any time. This is one of the reasons they didn't tell me that she was not really my aunt, that she was actually my biological mother. I was not in a true open adoption, but I did have some contact with my biological mother - as my aunt until I learned the truth. Looking back, I am definitely happy that my biological mother had some role in my life and was not completely absent. It made it a little easier when I found out that she wasn't really my aunt. While not everything with me and the adoption went picture perfect, I think that having my biological mother in my life (even though it was in a role as "small" as being my aunt) gave her a little peace of mind because she could interact with me and watch me grow and develop. And I think I benefited from it later on in my life, when it was time to confront the past.
It is definitely possible to have a happy/healthy open adoption. However, in my opinion, both sets of parents have to understand and agree that the adoptive parents are the full-time parents and the biological mother cannot try to take back her child. Trying to take back your daughter would only cause more problems for everyone, even if your sister were "straightened out" and ready to raise a child. Especially since she has already began to identify you and your husband as her parents. I think the rules would have to be very explicit and agreed upon by everyone involved (including any relatives and friends of yours and your sisters that are in the know). This rigidness is only to protect your daughter and everyone involved from further pain and possible development issues.
I think that in the long run, it would probably be better for your child if her biological mother were in the picture in some way (but without any lies). This would provide an opportunity for your sister to be presented in a more positive, compassionate, understandable, loving light to your daughter, since she's already the "one who abandoned me" (even if she can't verbalize the feeling, trust me, on some level, your daughter knows that she was adopted). And hopefully, some of the anger your child might have towards your sister might be processed sooner. In addition, it may also provide some motivation to your sister (if needed) to "straighten up".
What is your husband's view? And what do your parents think (since they are the parents of you, the adoptive mother, and your sister, the biological mother)? While the decision is between the three of you (you, your sister, and your husband - assuming the biological father is out of the picture), maybe others in your life may be able to give some advice. It never hurts to ask other people's opinions, even if they aren't adoption experts.
Good luck, and have confidence that whatever decision you make, it will be the right one because you only have your daughter's best interests at heart.
dastanis1
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