My FD has lied for years. She finally has mainly gotten over it. She was taught to lie by her addict mother, so it was really just part of her upbringing. When I would ask her why she lied, often without benefit - she would just lie to lie - it wasn't like she would be getting any benefit - she said that she didn't know. I really think that was true.
This has been our biggest barrier - it is very normal. What I have learned is that it isn't personal to you - it isn't something they are doing to YOU. It's something they do. I got it wrong when I would take it personally. It has a lot to do with their upbringing, lack of trust, and if they have attachment disorders.
I am not saying that your foster children have attachment disorder - it needs to be diagnosed. But here's a checklist I got from attachmentdisorder.net that was a lightbulb for me, because my FD had so many of these symptoms. Her therapist was the one who had told me suffered from it.
It has taken a lot of time, therapy, boundaries, punishment, etc. for her to get over it. She has finally learned that she doesn't get anywhere by lying, but by telling the truth. You need to be patient, call them on their lies and tell them they don't need to lie. Pick your battles - i.e., punish them for the big lies. Otherwise, they'll be in trouble all of the time if they lie all of the time. Honestly, this has been the hardest issue I've dealt with as a foster parent. My only advice is not to take it personally - that's what almost drove me crazy because I thought she was doing it to me. It took me a long time to realize it was just something she did and wasn't really even conscious of it. First she had to become conscious of it, and then we dealt with it on a daily basis.
When she got caught lying, there would be huge tears, tantrums, crying, etc. It was very touching. I've learned that it was her big emotional release and also manipulative so I'd let her have a good cry, get mad at me, and then we'd talk about it.
Here is a list I got from
www.attachmentdisorder.net
http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Sy...s_Research.htm
Symptoms, Causes and Research
Symptoms
•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger
•Resists affection on parental terms
•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying
•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
•Poor peer relationships
•Steals
•Lies about the obvious
•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse
•Destructive to property, self and/or others
•Lack of impulse control
•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive
•Learning lags/delays
•Speech and language problems
•Incessant chatter and/or questions
•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy
•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food
•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil
•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts
•Parents appear hostile and angry
•The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life
Terry Levy and Mike Orlans answer the question
What is Attachment Disorder?
Symptom Checklist
from Evergreen Consultants
Excellent article at Tulsa Today
Enemy Within
A well-respected center in Colorado that treats RAD
The Institute for Attachment & Child Development
An article from Nancy Thomas' site
Taming the Tiger
Potential Causes
•Neglect
•Abuse
•Separation from the primary caregiver
•Changes in the primary caregiver
•Frequent moves and/or placements
•Traumatic experiences
•Maternal depression
•Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol
•Undiagnosed, painful illness such as colic, ear infections, etc.
•Lack of attunement between mother and child
•Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills