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Arruniel; the attitude presented in your post, the one of "my pain is worse because (enter reason here)," is exactly why the two groups have trouble understanding one another. Until we agree that our pain is equal but different, there will be a rift. With that rift, we can never come together to fight for reform. We're divided and that does no good. You can never understand the life of a closed adoption while the other mothers can't understand the issues that accompany openness.
Be glad that you can't understand the other's pain and empathize. Talking about your own struggles is one thing. But down playing the pain of another is useless.
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