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During my last visit with my daughter, someone came up to us and her a-mom, and said how much she looked liked the a-mom. The year before it had been someone saying my daughter looked so much like me. And when she was a baby like her a-father.
Her a-father has dark hair and eyes, and a square jaw like her b-father. Her a-mom has dark blond hair and green eyes like me.
I was gracious and kind, but I heard some strange say that my own child looked more like another woman than me! Partially because of their hair cuts and glasses.
You think not knowing is so painful. I'm sure it is. Even the months between the times I get to see my daughter are difficult. On the other hand, knowing brings up a whole new crop of problems.
That is the difference between b-moms in open and closed adoptions.
It's not about grief, it's about the day to day considerations, and the inconsiderateness.
Oh, and the dubious honor of being a pioneer in open adoptions.
Centuries of women to support each other in closed adoptions; two decades of support for the frustrations that only an open adoption can inflict on a birthmother.
Oh, it's a beautiful thing. My agency had a support group. It had for prevous b-mothers who had gone into an open adoption. Only one was still in contact with her child, and she was years ahead of me in the process and it was going sour for her.
I might be the only birthmother in an "open" adoption in my own city, a city of millions.
And the longer I keep it going successfully, the fewer there are like me. Most open adoptions close in the first few years, or end up with no face-to-face contact. I have enjoyed, and endured, seven years worth of visits.
I amnot friends with my daughters a-parents. It is solely for her benefit, though I look forward to seeing her.
I'm glad this section is here. It's about the only place I know to find people close to what I'm going, through.
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