[tlee70]

Emotionally it is the same as saying, I'm sorry, i can't get up because my legs are broken, much as I would like to... I can't.

Decades of not knowing who you are, who you look like, where you get your mannerisms from... deep inner anguish - missing your bmom and wondering where she is, does she care, why did she give you up? Feeling abandoned, feeling pain, developing defense mechanisms that hide who you are - even to yourself. Unless your family get more clued up on what adoption means to someone who has been lost and felt worthless for their entire life, finds relationships so hard that they very often malfunction and break down, then this reunion will probably come to a grinding halt because of lack of insight, which is not your fault. However, with insight, this reunion can be turned around in lessening the confusion, the frustration, the anger.

As an adoptee that has met both birthparents, I can say that the above statement very much reflects how I felt before, during and after reunion.
I know for myself, building trust was a huge issue. I have gone through the pullback stage partially due to a lack of understanding on thier parts and due to my own personal turmoil. I also pulled back significantly when a very personal letter explaining my turnmoil (and anger) that I wrote was read to my bsiblings...I felt extremely betrayed, as my feelings that I wrote about were intended only for my birthparent (and possibly spouse). There was no apology on bparents part...just mine, apologizng for my "outburst". There was an "explanation" as to why the letter was shown to bsiblings.. I feel it has damaged my relations with bsiblings beyone repair.... I learned from that and have no trust in our relationship anymore.....I felt judged, rejected and misunderstood....and still do..thus the withdrawl on my part.

I just wanted to give my 2cents ...the pullback is VERY real for many adoptee's...it's not about hurting the bparents, sometimes it's about feeling hurt and trying to protect ourselves.

tlee