Quote:
|
Originally Posted by rainmon
afraid we will reject her
got scared & ran
sabotaging the very thing she wants
pull back thing
testing us.....
thought she was playing hurtful games
she is testing us...or simply playing games
punish us instead of communicating
" the Pullback" as a way of dealing with problems and I personally don't believe in it ....and it should be used only as a last resort
but simply to up and stop communicating for simple little things
So if she is just trying to hurt us....then it is a very dangerous game she plays.... as she may end losing the very thing she wanted .....altogether.
|
I'm assuming that you are a sister? I thought initially you were a bmother from your thread. All the above are classic responses to adoption issues and reunion. You say that you don't personally believe in pullback - well its not something that is actually done purposely or to inflict pain. Emotionally it is the same as saying, I'm sorry, i can't get up because my legs are broken, much as I would like to... I can't.
Decades of not knowing who you are, who you look like, where you get your mannerisms from... deep inner anguish - missing your bmom and wondering where she is, does she care, why did she give you up? Feeling abandoned, feeling pain, developing defense mechanisms that hide who you are - even to yourself. Unless your family are able to get more clued up on what adoption means to someone who has been lost and felt worthless for their entire life, finds relationships so hard that they very often malfunction and break down, then this reunion will probably come to a grinding halt because of lack of insight, which is not by the way your fault as there is so little available and even this website is a godsend. However, with such insight, I feel this reunion can be turned around in lessening the confusion, the frustration, the anger.
You've mentioned that there are books that have been read, but I can't help feeling what actually has been helpful as you still seem confused with what are classic responses in reunion or whether the information you so desperately need is in them. I've read 3 books which I've found have been essential reading to going through and understanding my son through an agonising 17 months reunion. Now that I understand, have made the right responses to what may seem to others illogical behaviour, he is a different lad.
I would suggest that if you haven't read already, try 'The Primal Wound' quickly followed up by 'Coming Home To Self' - both by Nancy Newton Verrier. These will most definitely give you more insight if you want it. You sound angry, yes its hard this reunion business and it turns our worlds upside down and its all so easy for any of us to think of our own pain. Its much harder to put ourselves in someone elses shoes of their situation - something we may never have come across before or experienced ourselves.
Please do try reading the above. It
will give you a clearer picture of what is going on - not only with the adoptee, but your own feelings. I'm sorry I haven't been able to include more, but I've spent a literal day typing up Verrier to send to my own son - hope it helps.