[laurie2275]

I am having a huge issue here. A little over a year ago my cousin contacted me. Her sister has ALWAYS had issues and been in and out of trouble. She had 4 kids at the time and was a drug user. Well, she had tol everyone that she was giving the 4th up for adoption when she was born. No one heard from her for awhile. INcluding her sister. She told people the baby was adopted. Well, her sister found out that was a lie. The baby was taken away from her because she had treces of heroin, cocaine and meth in her system. She was in foster care and had been for 7 months. So, since the "good" sister and I have always been close, she know that I had casually mentioned that I had always wanted to adopt. We have one beautiful bio child and would just love to have a sister for her. So, she asked is I would consider adopting this baby. After talking about it with DH and my mom and everyone I know, I decided to go for it. Got in contact with the state, had backgroud check, did visits in the home supervised, unsupervised, nights, weekends. Driving 2 hours away to pick her up and then turn around and go the 2 hrs home 2 times a week for 5 months. I REALLY, REALLY wanted this baby. Well, we finally got her on Dec. 23rd and have had her in the home ever since. We are in the process of finalizing the adoption. Parental rights have been terminated. BUT THERE IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

Our new DD is a nightmare. She constantly screams and crys when she doesnt get what she wants, she lacks eye contact, hits, does not cuddle or like to be held, intentionally goes after everything she is not supposed to, strains in her car seat to get out and scream all car ride. AND MUCH MORE.

Now, I work full time and found the most amazing babysitter in the world for her. She was a nurse in a NICU and became a foster parent 20 yrs ago. She has 2 bio kids and 4 adopted kids, takes care of 4-6 more foster to adopt kids for daycare. She has seen abused, neglected, drug addicted, all kinds of psychiatric disorders. In that time she has NEVER turned away a child. UNTIL NOW. She does not think she can care for my DD anymore. It is wearing on her and affecting how much she has to give her other children. She is very concerned for me and my DD. She said that almost all the children that come into her home she would snatch in a minute but believes that Sophie has such a problem attaching that she does not think that this will get better. I have felt she has attachment issues and have discussed this often with my caregiver. She and I talk about the "bad days" all the time. I think I fool myself into thinking its getting better because I am more used to it. I do things to avoid her screaming. Like I know if I put her in her high chair and make her breakfast she will scream the whole time I am making it, if I make it before, we avoid the screaming until after she is "done". We have tried holding and bottle feeding her, rocking her, skin on skin contact. Holding her and looking her in the eyes saying "i love you" softly. (while she screams the entire hour). Recently we took her and my other daughter to the beach for 2 weeks. Coming back, my caregiver realized what it is taking out of her. Don get me wrong, she is not leaving me high and dry and will go through the process with me if I ask. Her recommendation is to get a psych eval and neurological exam done. Delay the adoption. Ask for respite care for a few weeks and have her come back into the home in order to see her with a new fresh perspective. She told me that we need to weigh how this will affect me, my DH and other DD in the long run if this can not be fixed. She said the behaviors get worse. She is well connected in our state and has many foster parent friends and has seen lots of cases like this in her friends homes. She even saw a little girl (age 5 ) put feces in the familys food. Anything and everything not to attach.
I am going to do all that she recommends but I am not sure what to do at this point. Losing her will be like a child dying for me. She is my kid (although I know I have not bonded with her as much as I want to). I would be heartbroken, jealous if someone else can do better, guilty, and constatly worry about her.
Keeping her and having this not get better but worse, though would be even well, Worse. My brother went through some bad years in his teenage years. Got into drugs, stole, verbally abused everyone. It ripped my parents marriage apart. And more than that, I was the "good" one and as a result to this day anything good he does is "so wonderful" and everything nice that I do doesnt even get looked at. I DO NOT want this for me, my DH and my daughter.
I am just looking for experiences, advice, anything to help me with this gut wrenching decision.