[kakuehl]

Darn... I just lost my post!

Nat, I hear what you are saying and I don't think it has anything to do with C's being AA. (I love it when some people insist that my grandson (son J's son) is Hispanic... he's quite a genetic combination but no hispanic heritage in the mix!) Children do NOT have to be adopted to appear to be a diffenent race from their mothers (see my avatar!)

As a birthmom, I walk a fine line. D doesn't call me Mom, nor do I expect him to do so. I chose adoption for him because I believed it was best for him. Why would I want to undermine that!? I do not want to replace S as his mom; I do love having a place in his life. It's an interesting journey: getting to know my firstborn as an adult. There is a sense that he is my son but I am not his mother (Does that make sense?). He does not need (or want) two mothers! We do share a deep connection that truly has surprised me. He doesn't talk about his feelings (and I try not to be too gushy!!!) but he has clearly involved my and my family in his life and I love that.

I think the 2 years since our reunion began have helped to reassure S that D is not ever going to replace her as his mom. (And also that I don't want that.) I'm actually enjoying having a relationship with D that is not handicapped by being the mother who raised him (the baggage from the past is different...).

I think for me the first few years were the most difficult... It could be that had I been in an open adoption I would have had difficulty not referring to myself as D's "mom". I'll never know that, of course. One of the difficulties with adoption is that there is LOTS of pain to go around! Signing the relinquishment papers does not break the underlying connection between a woman and the child she gave birth to. The challenge is learning to live with/manage that connection.

I don't know if I'm making any sense and I can only speak for myself. I can only say that for me, S is D's mom (and that's how I want it to be even though it can be/has been difficult for me to live with at times.)

You are his mom, no matter what the bfamily says, feels etc.