[SchmennaLeigh]

To answer my own questions, as I'm working on writing this out right now (today for me, tomorrow for all).




2. If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, pelase discuss that event and how it made you feel.

I can't, right now, think of specific examples. I have been told, however, time and time again, that I chose the adoption so I have no right to regret it. That I "made a loving choice," so regretting it is hateful, not loving. That I "gave someone a gift" so to regret it is to be unfair to them as a family. The list goes on. No one wants to accept regret. And that's fine. It's not their emotion to deal with unless I project it onto them. I think I've done a fine job at keeping my regret with me and not placing it on anyone's shoulders.

3. Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently.

It's been a process. Quite frankly, at four months out, I didn't have any regret either. Oh, I was still sipping the adoption kool-aid, man! I was "happy" and thought that this was going to be the best thing I had ever done in/with my life. I was sure of myself. Then her first birthday came. And things crumbled a bit. Then we started to have actual issues in our relationship. Not problems: just the issues that arise with any relationship; ones that need open, honest communication and can test the patience and trust of those involved. I kind of failed my own first test but, as I said, with that open communication, things are still fine. THEN, then, when my Husband and I added a child into our own immediate family, well, things just began to snowball. All through the process, as I further researched the unethical things that happened in/with my agency, the anger also began to build. No, at four months, I was peachy. Almost four years out and yes, there's some regret in there. Thankfully, I haven't let it make me bitter or angry. Okay, I'm angry at the agency. But still. I've learned appropriate uses for regret, how to talk about it without scaring those around me and how to appropriately deal with it in certain situations.

4. How does your child's adoptive family respond to your regret?

J&D know that they are not the source of my regret. They are actually a source of my hope because, all things considered that were working against us at the time, I found a great family for my daughter. She is loved, she is well-cared for and she has a GREAT Mom and Dad. I do not regret my choice of them in this situation at all. In fact, I know I'm lucky to have found them because anyone else could have screwed me over royally.

5. Your opinions on why regret, even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary, scares the pants off of others.

I think there's a HUGE misunderstanding about what regret entials. Others see someone's regret as a reflection of their participation in something or, as an adoptive family, on their family unit. However, if you read the book (read it) you understand that REGRET is tied to the PERSONAL INVOLVEMENT IN THE DECISION. Whereas RESENTMENT is how someone else screwed you over in the process. So, if your child's birth parent says that they are resentful towards you, then you can be scared. If they say that they regret some things, be thankful.


6. How you personally deal with your regret.

Writing, reading, talking with others and, ya know, therapy. I'm not to proud to say that I need some help to work through this stuff!

I'll be writing about my own personal journey with regret on the blog this afternoon.