[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I'm tackling the chapter on birth parent regret from Lifegivers on Monday and Tuesday of next week. In conjunction with that, on both days, I'm discussing views of birth parent regret outside of what the book is saying. So, I need input, of course. If you feel so inclined, please give me some words on the matter.

1. BEFORE you read the chapter, tell me your thoughts on birth parent regret. Is it overtly negative, all positive, avoidable, unavoidable, a hindrance, a help, something to be feared, something to be celebrated... or what? Give me your opinions.

Here are some of my thoughts, as some are still buried. Regret. I regret most of my life and I regret having a son I couldn't raise because emotionally I wasn't strong enough, because of the poor upbringing I had as a child with an imploding family life. I regret that adoption brought my son so much emotional pain, albeit a great life otherwise.

Reunion has helped us to both work towards a mother/son relationship. I think his finding me validated me as a worthwhile person and eased that regret by the love he wants to show me now, albeit hindered by protective mechanisms.

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

2. If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, please discuss that event and how it made you feel.

In the past, I tried talking about my relinquishment/ my son but the person in that religion asked me why I felt the need to confess?!! That made me clam up and I didn't come out for quite a while. Upon reunion, about 20 years later, she doesn't even remember me mentioning I had a son!!! by that time, I was comfortable with myself and it didn't impact on me the same as her first reaction.

My mother would always respond to my regret by saying "you did the right thing" so I don't remember talking to her about it after she said it time and again.

2006/2007 My adoption counsellor (a bmother herself) has validated my regret and has not been dismissive at all. Her empathy and compassion has helped me to be a great mother in reunion with my son. We've been in tears together of pain and joy with the ups and downs of reunion

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

3. Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently.

My regret has subsided enormously by the tremendous "connection" I now have with my son. Verrier has helped me beyond measure to understand adoption issues and my counsellor has said that she is in awe at the effort I have put into understanding and responding to my son's needs and issues. She is not surprised that our reunion, albeit extremely difficult, has gone onto be successful. The current relationship I have with my son has eased considerably any regret I've had, as I concentrate on what we have now, rather than what we lost. We've worked through our pain of lost years and validated each other's feelings.

The regret of those lost childhood years with my son depth charges from time to time. I go with the flow, but an enormous feeling of sadness overtakes me when it comes. Its like being dipped into a pool you can't get out of and I have to wait for it to subside.

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

4. How does your child's adoptive family respond to your regret?

It was a closed adoption. My son said that for the first few years his mother felt guilty at having him at my loss. She helped him choose the photos of his adoptive family that I asked for a couple of months ago. He tells me that she asks if he's heard from me. There are little snippets in the background that helps me to feel that she cares and that helps me with any regrets I have in losing him, and helps me to feel love for them.

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

5. Your opinions on why regret, (even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary), scares the pants off of others.

Here in the UK, people are never comfortable about talking about feelings. They are not comfortable with anything outside their realm of experience either. Adoption is outside most peoples experience. If you bring up regret, I feel they feel they have to placate you rather than acknowledge your pain. Rather like a man thing, they can fix a tv, end of problem, but feelings? hey, regret? lets change channels. People generally want to keep the conversation light and to take away your inner pain, so they say things like "you did the right thing" rather than ask "why do you feel like that, would you like to explain to me...." although some of my closest friends are really clued up and ask me and tell me they learn from me and perk up to watch anything on the subject if they see or hear anything. My friends I now have, have been wonderful.

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

6. How you personally deal with your regret.

I do things that help me work through the bereavement of losing my son to 28 years without me. In the past, when I had my first adoption counselling session, when I got off the train, I bought some flowers and kissed them and cried over them, as if I had just lost someone to death. My son would have been 16 years old then, and it was the first time I'd attempted to deal with my buried feelings. Now he is 29 and I am in reunion, I look at his childhood photo album that I put together and I have cried or hold them close to my chest as if holding him. I hold a pillow and imagine holding him again (as he is not ready for a 2nd F2F). I sometimes have to put his framed pictures away wrapped up in cloth until I am ready to see them again (the last time took 3 weeks). as time progresses, I find I do too, and they stay out longer. I imagine or picture him in the kitchen cooking for me or us sitting on the settee and watching a movie together. These are all things we haven't achieved yet, but the thought of future things helps the regret to disappear. The fact that he searched, found me and is working through painful emotions to keep me in his life, the emails, the phone calls, the consistency that is starting to come into our relationship, the intimacy of thoughts and understanding, are all helping regret to ease away and be an occasional companion.

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Also, after you read the chapter, has your opinion on birth parent regret changed at all? I'd really like to hear about some of that...

How do I get hold of the chapter? I'm sorry I don't know what book you are talking about or where I would get it from other than buying it, is it on a website or something?