[MommaKatja]

• BEFORE you read the chapter, tell me your thoughts on birth parent regret. Is it overtly negative, all positive, avoidable, unavoidable, a hindrance, a help, something to be feared, something to be celebrated... or what? Give me your opinions.

Birthparent regret is tricky, it’s unavoidable and unmentionable. Some days it’s as simple as a “what if” moment while others it’s heart wrenching “I want my baby what have I done”. If voiced however it can get dicey. Voicing regret opens the door for others to criticize. I’ve heard it all that my regret means I wish my son hadn’t been born (ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE) that my regret makes me selfish (possibly true) that I should have no regrets…

2. If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, pelase discuss that event and how it made you feel.

Since I mentioned the not so nice in my answer to number 1 I’ll share a nice story from last week. I have a tendency to not share my regret (hmmm wonder why) but for some reason decided to while driving with a co-worker/friend. I mentioned that I was planning on starting therapy and she said “It must be hard waking up wondering what it would be like if..” I’ve only known her for a year and she gave me the validation NO ONE else has these past 6 years. Not a single person in my life has ever been able to say “what you’re going through is tough.” Until last week

3. Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently.

Depends on the day, or the hour, or the moment. I’m torn between my regret and my guilt for feeling regret.

4. How does your child's adoptive family respond to your regret?

I’m sure on some level they know it’s there but it’s unspoken

5. Your opinions on why regret, even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary, scares the pants off of others.

I think people view it as: If I do a great job and b mom sees me doing a great job she’ll have no regrets because I’m doing a great job. And thus if b mom has regrets it MUST mean a mom is not doing a great job. When in actuality our regret is not necessarily tied to how good a job the a parents do. It’s simply about not being there with our child everyday regardless of how well that child is being raised.

6. How you personally deal with your regret.



At this point I don’t so much. I’m going to start counseling…just as soon as I can afford it.