A friend responds to the "You're not my real mom!" retort with "I am certainly not imaginary!" or "Well, actually, I am." - depending on the attitude of her daughter when she says it. When kids say this, they are lashing out, and wanting to hurt you. It's the same thing bio children do, only adopted children have some different ammunition. My kids haven't said it yet, but they're 5 and almost 3, but I have heard the key is to react non-chalantly, without showing what pain this kind of retort may cause to strike in your heart.
Pres. Monson actually addressed this in an adoption seminar several years ago, speaking of rebellion among kids. He said that the "I wish I never was adopted into this family!!!" retort, that can tear at the heart of adoptive parents is not really about adoption at all. If the same situation came about and your child wasn't adopted, the exclamation would be "I wish I never was born into this family!!" It's the same sentiment. It may hurt more, and cause more fear because of what we read into it, but it's the same thing. It's not an adoption thing, it's a teenager thing.
No, your adopted child doesn't get to choose what family adopted them. But, you know what? - If they were born to you, they wouldn't have had a choice in that either. Either way, they're yours.
The whole eternal family thing gives stability to both kids and parents throughout the tough times. No, you didn't give birth to them, but they are yours for REAL, forever.
As for the child wanting to live with their birthparent - What would I do? Heck NO! That wouldn't even be an option. I know you hear of that now and again, but the reason it makes such a good story to spread is because it NEVER (almost never) happens! Even the birthparents don't want that. That's not what adoption is. They don't have two families to choose from. I think that most birthparents would love to be "found" (if there's not a relationship all along) and have a relationship with their birthchild, but they don't expect or want to parent them.
I remember my sister saying to my parents (after a hefty disagreement) I wish I could go live with Amy's family (blah blah blah - insert ranting here)... My parents replied, calmly and nonchalantly, "Well, you're going to have to take that up with Heavenly Father, because He sent you here, not there. This is your family." I can use that same thing for my children. Heavenly Father sent them to me. Their birthmothers feel it, and we feel it.
And in the back of their minds, no matter what is coming out of their mouths, your children just want to know that you love them no matter what, and that they are secure in their relationship with you. Sometimes they may say those things to be reinforced in their standing with you, to double check or test your resolve that YOU know you are their real parents. Not fair, or fun, but part of being parents. Don't worry, your bio child will come up with some doozies, too!
