Of course, these are my personal opinions and observations, based on my years of 'experience' and of course, my personal situation.
1. I think there is some level of regret for every first parent. I think that regret comes in many forms and fashions - from regretting having to make the decision to place in the first place, right down to regretting the decision itself and surrendering all of ones parenting and responsibility roles. So, I think regret exists on some level for everyone.
2. I regret having had to make the decision I made, however, even now, I know that the decision I made was really what was best for everyone involved. I try very hard not to get caught up in the 'what could have beens" and it's hard...not to. More recently, I've actually regretted M's placement more and more acutely, based simply on the facts that surround her current home life. This isn't a regret I've always had and it's very new to me. I find that when I express this regret I get a lot of 'dismissal' - it seems adoptive parents are often held to a different standard. Abuse, which is what is going on, is often 'excused' when it involves an adoptive parent - simply because of the differences between adoptive and biological parenting (This has been my personal experiences based on the responses I've had from people here on the forums as well as in real life...I have had many comments from people telling me that I am being to critical...of course, these same commenters are the ones who are quick to judge first parents who make these same “mistakes”...but that’s neither here nor there
).
3. I'm still in the 'coming to terms with the fact that I've been very very happy for all these years while my daughter has been abused, neglected, ignored right in front of my face' stage. I am still trying to get past the guilt, frustration, irritation, anger with myself over how my decision (one, if you'll remember, I said was one I stand behind making) has greatly impacted her as a child and will continue to impact her as an adult, as she grows up. I worry about how she will feel about me, knowing that I saw...but not realizing how truly powerless I am to step in (and believe it or not, I am actually totally powerless...I wont go into details). I feel a lot of guilt over everything that's happened - it's really been very difficult for me to deal with...
4. They don't. In our relationship, I have become the 'bigger person' - the 'leader' of the clan...I've not shared a lot of my feelings (although I have shared some) because of the 'place' where they are. It's not a healthy relationship - not now and it may not have ever been. I have become the crutch on which to lean on...and I'm having a hard enough time right now just staying in place...because I don't want to be their 'support system' (something I usually see adoptive parents post in regards to first parents...) - it's not my responsibility to make sure they are 'well' - but it is my responsibility to make sure that M is 'taken care of' and right now...that's not happening -so I stay...crutch...support system...drama...frustration...gah
5. I really don't have a comment - those who know me and know adoption understand and get it. Those who know me and don't have a clue about adoption - well, they see me as bitter and angry about the adoption and don't understand why I care...or why it matters for that matter. I have been asked why I even have an opinion on this, as it’s none of my business what is going on in their personal life. I wonder who they think is going to take care of the kid? In my opinion, that very much is my business...especially if they are dropping the ball. Someone has to step up and be a parental role…they aren’t doing it and aren’t resistant to my doing it (even going as far as asking for and appreciating my interaction…they aren’t naïve enough to think they are meeting her needs…they know the ball is being dropped…which makes this even more difficult, because nothing much is being done to rectify things).
6. I've been seeing a therapist since about May. She's really great and very supportive. I've also been talking to my husband and friends a lot - all of which are very supportive and kind (you included Jenna
) It's been difficult, because there aren't a lot of situations out there like mine. In part, I feel I can relate to some adoptive parents in their feelings surrounding the totally inappropriate behavior of their child’s first family members - but, every time I've ever commented as much, I am dismissed...
I've never read the book in question - I think I might like to, but I don’t know if that's good for me right now or not. I am still trying to deal with a lot of my emotions.
Would you suggest the book to someone who is going through a crisis like mine (since you know more than what I've posted here)?