[thanksgivingmom]

1. BEFORE you read the chapter, tell me your thoughts on birth parent regret. Is it overtly negative, all positive, avoidable, unavoidable, a hindrance, a help, something to be feared, something to be celebrated... or what? Give me your opinions. I think that birth parent regret is unavoidable (at least for me). More than that I think it's complicated! And it's unwanted for me...I don't WANT to regret the choices I made. I want to be sure and strong in them...but I can't deny that sometimes there are flashes of "what have I done??" But even when it's not the "big" regret, there are hundreds of "small" regrets, that can seem huge...the I regret not naming her, the I regret not giving her something that would be special between us, those kinds of regret. (More on this in later questions you pose I think)

2. If you have a specific example in which your regret has either been validated or dismissed, please discuss that event and how it made you feel.I think my regrets are validated by some, like the bmothers I know here, and are "validated" by people like the SW. She says reassuring things, and tells me that what I feel makes sense, but it feels like she's just going through the motions...

3. Discuss your own place with regret, where you are currently.I regret not being strong enough with regards to my needs early on. I regret not asserting myself with the SW's and at the hospital. I worry that because in those first days I was so weak, physically, emotionally, that I set myself up as a doormat...and that it's because of my weak actions that I don't have the contact I really want, because I was too afraid to say what I really wanted and instead just agreed to go along with what was happening around me. These regrets haunt me...while the "smaller" regrets hit me at random times; driving in the car, at work, at the movies...

4. How does your child's birth family respond to your regret?My letters go unanswered. My attempts to express feelings are basically ignored.

5. Your opinions on why regret, even with the dictionary definitions that explain that it's not SUPER scary, scares the pants off of others.I think it's harder to ignore the bparent experience when there are feelings like regret. In general, people have become so proud, too proud to admit that they regret things. I think it's an emotion that people aren't very comfortable with in general. My experience with those who express regret is that they receive in return uncomfortable silence or the "this is what YOU signed up for" response. Neither are particularly supportive or helpful...

6. How you personally deal with your regret.I try my darndest to accept that I can't change things. I don't really deal with it (I should try harder, I know!) I STILL don't assert myself with the SW. I want to, I talk about it, I stratagize about it, and when it comes down to it and I pick up that phone...I can't tell her what I need. I ask in roundabout ways and indirectly....Every time I get off the phone I regret not being stronger.

And/or anything you might want to discuss on the topic. (Of note: you don't have to answer ANY or ALL of those questions. I was throwing stuff out as I flipped through the pages.)I think I wrote I small novel so I'll leave it at this for now.