Gotta - If you are anything like me, it's sometimes harder to have no contact than have some contact. You are probably left with a feeling of unrest and no closure. You worry about your children, and if they see thier bmom down the line, what will the bmom say happened? Will they become bitter with you for not trying more? We have not been through nearly what you have, but I imagine that you WANT what open adoption benefits...you want this for them.
I think the best thing for you to do at this point is maybe find a mediator. Someone that can help you and can be there for visits. Tell her you WANT this but she needs to find some counseling and hold up her end (which means no anger). My agency is working with the bmom and I right now and I'm so thankful for that. I don't want to be her social worker, I don't know how to tell her what is and is not appropriate behavior. Go slow, give yourself time...sort of "ease" into visits. Start off with just a lunch...and maybe a weekly email or monthly.
I would be cautious and tell her while you want to be honest with each other, sometimes there is such a thing as TOO honest also.
As far as YOUR fear as the mother...well that is a cross that we have to bear and try to get over (right there with you girl). I expect that if the openness goes well you will be surprised at how that helps things. Funny how ONLY Cooper's bfamily can make me feel less validated as his mother. Noone else can. So when they ARE accepting of me as his mother...and things are good...it is great for me. Right now I have to learn to seperate the two feelings. Two NOT depend on them in order to validate myself. This will take time also, but at least I have a plan.
It's sad for us to think of our children having another person out there that they will care about (most likely) and that person not being a part of thier life. Sometimes, this IS for the best...if that ends up being so, don't less this consume you with guilt. You didn't control her actions or choose them.
((((((hugs))))))) None of this may apply to you either, but just know I am right there with you and you are not alone in your fears and thoughts.
