[crick]

I don’t claim to have any answers, but I had some thoughts on “perspectives” and wanted to share. None of this is “how I feel” or “how we all feel”, just a collection of possibilities really.

When you get pregnant, you are automatically a mom. You carry the child, you keep her safe, healthy and loved for 9 months and then you do all the work to give her life when you give birth. And there's no question at all that you are mom. You might not raise her, but having a bio child is an automatic "pass" to motherhood and it’s not questioned at all that you are a mom. The role/validity your motherhood plays might be/is questioned, but not the simple fact that you are a mother.

When an adoptive mom becomes a mom, she doesn’t get that “pass”. Perhaps she has dealt with infertility, grief, loss, anger, and a realization that she can’t be a mom the way she’d like to be. Then another option occurs and a change in plan is made to adoption. Now there’s the “jumping through the hoops” during the process, and in order to be a mom, someone else makes that decision for her. There's no control over this aspect of when she becomes a mom or even how sometimes. And until someone else says, "you are good enough to be a mom", it doesn't happen. You aren't "worthy" of being a mom until someone says your application is accepted, your mental, physical health is good, you have the correct answers on your forms, and says, “Proceed to GO”. Then you proceed to the part where another woman says "I deem you worthy of raising my child" or a sw says, "I feel you will be the right mother for these children who need parents".

We also don’t have 9 months of true preparation to motherhood. Sure, we can do the mechanics, but we are not emotionally truly attached in the same way that a mom carrying her child is. We might feel an immediate connection so to speak to the unborn child or even an older child, but we work hard to not accept this because it isn’t our child yet and might not ever be our child. We know logically going into this, that we will be another mom; not the only mom. We prepare for that too, the best we can. We know these hoops we need to jump through, but that doesn’t mean we have the full understanding of what all will happen later.

When so much time, energy and emotion is spent PRIOR to becoming a mom, sometimes the reality doesn't hit at all that we really are moms. And even if the reality hits and we can truly believe and accept that we are moms now, we have fought so long and so hard to get to this point that the fear of anything happening to overturn this can be pretty powerful. If someone else can make the decision for us to become mothers then someone else can decide we really shouldn’t be after all. And even if the decision stands and it’s final, we might feel a bit of “I need to hold really tight now because I’m finally here and can’t bear to lose/share etc. my child!” It doesn’t even need to be a threat of physically losing the child, just an emotional loss of not being a mom in every which way. It also means there can be an emotional “removal” in that we might fear our child can decide/feel/say that we aren’t mothers after all. Doesn’t mean there is necessarily a logical thought process, just means that the emotions can be there.

Similar to a first mom’s range of emotions…some things just don’t surface until years later. Just as with anything, it’s a cycle and it ebbs and flows. Emotions can get put aside because it’s easier to deal with the mechanics of the adoption process, and really there’s no way to prepare for certain emotions we might have. Sometimes that means, those emotions don’t surface or get dealt with until later, when it starts to sink in and sometimes you’ll act and do things to protect that even if there’s nothing logically to protect. Throw the child into all of this (yes, I know I’ve not even touched on the child who should be the priority above all!), who hopefully grows up with a voice to share their own feelings and thoughts and wanting to do right by them, we have even more things to consider and balance.

As for your personal situation…maybe there’s not even a feeling of threat or anything else towards you personally. She might say you are a threat, but in reality it just might not be specifically you at all. I’m not saying any of it is your burden to carry, because it isn’t. If there’s anything she is going through, it’s hers to own up to and deal with. I always say feelings/emotions are fine no matter what they are, but it’s our actions that need to be “right”. Maybe nothing above would resonate with her at all, and she’s just in a power play or not willing to honor her promise to you. I really don’t know, but hope you find the answers you are looking for, and above all I really hope for a change in your relationship.