[gottahavehope]

I'm toying with the idea of sending my son's birthmother an e-mail and sharing some of my feelings with her, but I'm scared, scared, scared! What will it mean if I do? Will the cycle of constant calls and e-mails where she pours out her pain and anger return . Can either of us bear it as I fluster and flub my responses. Will we both be left as before...exhausted and angry at each other? I don't know...Isn't this what I wanted deep down, us not to talk so I could have Jackie all to myself? Why let her back in? Maybe because thinking I can make her disappear just because we don't talk is such a stupid thought anyway.. knowing full well I can never take her out of the equation~she is his birthmother. I write the word mother and it makes me sad. How can I get past this fear? I really don't know what to do. I feel I have a responsibility to my son to contact her, but I don't want to...or at least I don't think I do, maybe I do. Will he want a relationship with the baby she is carrying, his brother or sister? How will his other sister, my daughter Molly, feel about all of this? Will Molly and Jack be close? Will Molly be angry or jealous that Jack has another sibling? If I don't contact my son's birthmother will he hate me for it? Is that the only reason I'm thinking of contacting her. My mind is swirling these days. Is it fair to contact her when she said she didn't want any more contact and I don't know what I want? Did she just say she never wanted to talk to any of us again because she was hurting? What will my dh and my parents, who are all against contact, think if I reach out to her? Is she really a threat? Would she ever try to do the things she said she would do, kidnap, convince Jack to hate me? Would she try and manipulate and undermine my relationship with my son if she was in our life? Will she show me honesty if I show it to her? UGGGG!! I'm so frustrated. I think I'm going to just go and read a book and try to put all this out of my head for awhile. My little ones are so at peace as they sleep in the nursery. I wish I could be.

Not at peace,
K