Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Shoshana
I think it's vitally important for adoptive parents to do their absolute best to understand and accept this -- it takes a lot of pressure off of the adoptee, and removes (not adds to) the confusion about who is who in one's life. An adoptee shouldn't have to worry about whether or not her adoptive mom will feel hurt or uncomfortable if her first mother refers to her as "daughter" or to herself as "mom."
|
First off thanks for sharing your opinion and experience!!
I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from...I do know that i have had them from the beginning, so it's not just the circumstances surrounding our adoption right now. I don't know if I will be ever comfortable with Cooper calling his birth mother "Mom". Will I have to accept it? Maybe, and maybe one day I will and can accept it or hear it without it gutting me to the core.
You see, the pain that hearing him call someone else "mom" isn't because I believe I am more or less important in my son's life than his birthmother. I believe the roles we have are seperate from each other. I don't even believe the title of "mom" is earned neccessarily....
I guess the really ugly ugly truth is that I don't want him to love me any more or less than his birthmother, I just want him to love me as his MOM (and I do believe he will). I just want him to come to me if he ever needs anything. I want to be the one that he can count on and talk to if something is wrong. I want to be the one he wants to tell first when he gets engaged...or accepted into a school...or finds a new friend in Kindergarten.
Basically the role that a "mom" plays even versus a grandma (which btw I wouldn't want him calling his grandma's "mom" either). "Birthmother" is equally important....but in a whole other way. KWIM?
TGM - I agree with Leigh...it's more so what she says in our home...in front of Cooper....it's about respect. I don't expect her to go around town saying "birth son" (which I do find an add phrase) but I do expect to be acknowledged and respected. I guess it would be like me not acknowledging the adoption. I am not going to wear a banner that says "ADOPTIVE MOTHER" but I'm not going to hide it either. If his bparents come to our house we have a picture up of all of us....he knows he is adopted, he will know who they are. Does that make sense? I think Leigh said it better in less words LOL. This is why I have mixed feelings about it...I don't think the term should be taken away completely...just used respectfully (and vice versa...I tend to call Cooper by name and not "my boy, my son, momma's boy" when I'm around his bmom...not that I don't at all...i just don't try to flaunt it in her face and am aware this term my hurt).
Thank you everyone for your support!! It's nice sometimes to just be totally honest about a subject and find that there are people that share these feelings. It's also nice to hear that some of you have been through this and made it through. This has been something I have been thinking about for a while and I am loving how this conversation has just been respectful and honest.
Sometimes we just need to be honest, as a bparent, aparent, adoptee, or just plain being a WOMAN!