[Shoshana]

I've been in reunion with my first mother for more than half my life -- my parents and my bio family have all met and socialized over the years.

A couple of years ago, I was shopping with Ginny (first mom) and my mom (Joanne). We became separated. I heard over the loud speaker, "Will Ginny and Joanne's daughter please come to customer service?"

I'm exceedingly grateful that my mom recognizes that sharing the term "daughter" or "mother" in no way diminishes or enhances the their roles/meanings in real life. In my opinion, it's not necessary to assert that the one who kisses booboos is the only one entitled to be called "mother." It's patently obvious to both the adoptee, and the greater society who is the "mom." I think it's vitally important for adoptive parents to do their absolute best to understand and accept this -- it takes a lot of pressure off of the adoptee, and removes (not adds to) the confusion about who is who in one's life. An adoptee shouldn't have to worry about whether or not her adoptive mom will feel hurt or uncomfortable if her first mother refers to her as "daughter" or to herself as "mom." I'm not trying to say that my adoptive mom arrived at this place of comfort over night, it did take a long time, years even. But once it happened, I can't begin to express how proud I was of her, and how relieved I felt.

edited to add: I really hope this doesn't sound totally insensitive to adoptive moms. I do understand that this topic can make one very uncomfortable -- even though as a society we have no problem with having multiple grandparents, or multiple aunts, etc. I've been thinking about and dealing with this and similar issues for my entire life -- yes, an added burden to growing up and forming my own identity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, with the deepest conviction in my heart, that you cannot erase history. Children are brighter than we oftentimes give them credit for. The adoptee will know - nothing in the world can erase the fact that she is an adoptee, and that she has two mothers. She will know, because it is her reality, that these two women, regardless of the names she uses, are in very different roles in her life. I guess I want to say that if the child must come to terms with this in order to understand adoption and her very self, then the adoptive parents should strive to understand as well. Maybe this entire topic -- who is mom, who kisses boo-boos, is the adoptive mother's equivalent of the adoptee's coming to terms with being adopted.