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I agree with the previous posters, and want to add this too:
After an amount of time has passed (as it has with this child).........there's a certain amount of 'fantasy' (for lack of a better word) that encircles the personality of the child you lost. (Hope that makes sense.....)
What I'm saying is, whenever you lose a child---as you did-----good and bad-----there are always those feelings of 'what if'. Believe me, I know this happens, because we're not the only failed adoption family I know......
But, it's only when/if that child might come back into your life, you start to realize the actual ways and means that led to why it was best to disrupt the adoption. That doesn't make you bad parents by any means.....you have another child to protect too.
Lorraine made the comment that full disclosure never happens with these kids. I completely agree. It doesn't. As far as I'm concerned, it's the name of the game the system plays to hopeful adoptive parents. Sometimes the parents get slightly burned; sometimes, the burns are minor to moderate. Sometimes the burning is severe (as in our cases); and as you've indicated in your post, the services that are/were supposed to be there to help------weren't. (Another game playing element of the system.....)
I suspect you're so wanting to parent another child (and so many of us have or continue to feel that way).........that you're thinking 'At least if we were to go back to the way things were, at least we'd have a son we knew most about"? Would this be correct?
But, the fact is.........as lucy has said, the moving of this child will have created some additional damage. You've got to consider this. Also, only having him for a few months, means you still have more to learn about him. Are you willing to take that risk too?
My advice (and I know you didn't ask for it, so for what it's worth)......would be to give yourself time. Wait for awhile before accepting any other children. And yes, I know waiting is extremely hard---really, I DO know this! But, there is healing and wisdom in waiting and thinking.
I think---if you haven't done this already.....I'd make a list of what you feel you can and can't deal with regarding an older child adoption. If you've already done this, perhaps visiting these thoughts again might be helpful.
And finally.........parenting an older child is NOT like parenting an infant. There is such a vast difference; and I feel the system lacks in telling adoptive couples this incredibly important truth! The parenting is different; the discipline is very often different; and even the feelings of parenting them---is often very different.
Notice I didn't say, 'bad'.....I just said 'different'.
Be sure you really want to pursue older child adoption. That may sound really silly after what you've been through; but nonetheless, be sure. Adopting the older child IS tough stuff. It's very risky...and can be very rewarding and wonderful......but the risks are sometimes huge, scarey and much like walking blindly in the dark. The support of services will often be non-existent....and finding out undisclosed info---well after placement---- is pretty certain, to say the least.
My best to you. I know this isn't easy; but please be careful in your decisions.
Sincerely,
Linny
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