[J.J.]

As I sit here and begin to type this.... I'm really unsure of "what" exactly we are looking to find/know or hear?
Our journey began last October 2006, ((At the time we were in a different state than we are living in now.))
We finally got "The Call" we had been waiting for. We had been matched!!! We were elated. Our matching meeting was set up for the same week. Our Social worker attended the meeting with us, the only person being absent was the childs CASA worker. We asked specific questions related to his "social" environment that he was living in prior to foster care. All of which his GAL and SW answered for us. As well as his foster parents via phone. All of them downplaying the association of his family being from a gang. Stating that there was very little if any involvment and most certainly not with a high profile gang.. When we left we had asked all the questions that we had written down and ones that our social worker had thought of for us. We all walked away from that meeting thinking "WOW, what is there to say, No to?" We were asked to take 24 hours to make our decision. We called the next morning to tell the child's social worker that "YES! This was OUR 10 year old son." The feelings and emotions that come with saying those words are OVERwhelming! And, as fast as I could type that our... journey was put into fast forward. The foster parents wanted our son to be placed within a weeks time. At which time, you find yourself questioning "why"??? We spent many hours in the car during this short transition making the 2 1/2 h. roundtrip. He was just as they had described him. And he was very excited to find his forever home. He came to live with us 1 week exactly after our matching meeting. We had visits from our SW twice a month and once a month from the child's SW. ((Which BTW, after he was placed his SW changed to someone new due to a family emergency with the orignal one)) For 2 months we tried to set up services for him to be seen by a thearpist. A constant battle between the County he was from and Medicaid. In the meantime we ended up having the CASA worker to our house for a home visit. She also came once a month. She had continious direct ties to our son's Bio-family. During a phone conversation she informed us saying, "I am sure that at the informatoin meeting that you already know the name of the gang that his family is associated with!"....... WOW....... It HIT us with a TON OF BRICKS. We played dumb and said oh yeah, what was the name again. Come to find out a month after he had been living with us that his Bio-family was in one of the most High Profile Violent gangs. After that the visits from her became UNBEARABLE. We all came to the agreement that our son would not be told any information about his parents exits from jail. This was MOST definatly for his own protection as well as our whole family.
( Parental RIGHTS had been terminated and NO contact with any Bio-family members.) So many things began to "click" all at the same time. The stories he had been telling me, his lust for that lifestyle....and the things he had claimed to have seen. We immediatly informed our private adoption agency about this information. And "WHY" had this not been disclosed to us at the inital meeting since they DID know it ??? Three months went by and then came the last straw, His CASA came for her visit. What she told our son made us drop our jaws. She looked at him in the eyes and TOLD him that his mother was out of jail and where she was living!!! My heart has never POUNDED so HARD in my life. My husband looked at me and me at him in DISBELIEF. Our Son's eyes lighting up like firecrackers! He was old enough to know... how to search on the internet. We came to the heartwrenching decision that our lives were in danger should we choose for him to stay. Our agency was 100% behind us, stating that in 20 years of doing this work that they had never seen this much information not disclosed to a family! They would stand by us. And that this Disruption was lying in the hands of the county. Sadly the county agreed, and the director of adoptions didn't understand how this could have happened. But all parties involved Agreed that our son now knowing the information that he did.... posed a direct threat of contacting his Bio-family, who in return could find us. HEARTWRENCHING doesn't even begin to explain how we had the courage to sit him in front of us and tell him our decision. He was devestated/ as were we.. He cried and then asked if he could say good-bye to our bio-son. He talked our bio-son (7 yrs.old) into hiding him in the basement. His SW having to lock him IN the car. I thought my heart would never be the same as we sat crying watching him drive away. We know that he cried in the car for an hour until he feel asleep. His SW told us so. He was being placed into a foster home where he would recieve Intensive thearpy for the information he shared with me. As for his CASA worker, we never found out what happened to her.
In the next 6 months our family and friends rallied around us, Thank GOD! And we made the choice to move forward with our adoption journey, It was another boy! This time we were less reserved. Guarded, you might say. Only to once again end in disruption, by our choice this time. He was with us for 1month exact, in which time our bio-son was verbally and physically abused by him. And many Major medical issues were discovered, one being that he would never live alone as an adult. We were exhausted again having NO services to help us. We asked that he be removed. I know that I am "windy" here so I will not go into all the details. But our hearts after all of this are longing for the first child. In our hearts he is OURS. He is now, not even in reaching distance. After almost a year (in October), my husband called his social worker yesterday to see how he is doing. She too is not able to tell us much. He is "hanging" in there and has still not been placed. But they have several families that they are looking at for him. My heart breaks as I type this. Our son, "still has not been placed!!" We want him back so badly, and know that it would be next to impossible. I/we wish I could say that we wanted him to leave in the first place...((if only his background hadn't been so dangerous)) maybe then it would be eaiser to not care so much. But we love him. Like I said at the begining of this I don't know what we are looking for in typing this. I only know that everything happens for a reason, and we are still searching for the reason in this......
~J.J.~