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Your post is wonderful and very very brave. I think we all have these feelings sometimes. I have posted before (on the foster board) that while we were fostering my now adopted son, I hated that I wished for his birthmother to fail. I'm a nice person. I don't like wishing that someone will fail a drug test or mess up their lives. But, my ultimate goal was to adopt him and I really didn't think she could get it together and be a good parent and in the end, the state agreed with me. That didn't make the feelings any easier to deal with.
I was also surprised that even though we fostered for almost a yeat before we adopted, it was hard to adjust from foster to adoptive mom. I had some PAD just as if he had been placed in my home the day before.
I think this process is really hard for everyone involved. My mom gave me some really good advice one one of my bad days that I have taken to heart.
Whether you're dealing with your biological, adopted, or foster child or your birth mother or whoever, sometimes the best you can do is pretend and that's okay. Pretend to understand. Pretend to be a mommy. Pretend to care about whatever is going on. Eventually, you make it happen. But there's no shame or guilt in the pretending.
My son had issues that made him pretty hard to deal with in the beginning. I was not his mother then, just his foster mom. I didn't always like him very much because of the huge issues he caused in my life and the very real guilt and inadequacy I felt as a result. BUT, I pretended and it was good for us both.
We adopted him in December and I love him dearly. He is my son in every way. I still have some issues and guilt related to his bio-mom but I work through them day by day and when he asks questions, do I lie? No, I just pretend. . .
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