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Hi Nicksmom - I'm an adopted only child and can give you, maybe, a different perspective. Like your son, my parents loved me a lot. But my Mom has always been very threatened, for lack of a better word, whenever I had any questions about my adoption or bfamily and didn't like to discuss it. My dad was the opposite. So I learned never to discuss it with my Mom. I found my bmom, who rejected me for the second time, and after her death, I found my siblings, who were shocked, but have been wonderful and accepting. My mom have met them, and listens about them with cool reserve. So if you contact the aparents (I agree to forget the attorney), I would do it myself so that they can ask you any questions and find out your objective. They may be reluctant, and may even tell you your son doesn't know, hoping you will not contact him. And they may do everything in their power to make sure you do not contact him. That's worse case scenario. But with issues of the heart, we (adoptees and parents alike), must always be prepared and willing to accept the worst. I, personally, knowing how my mom feels about it, would skip the parents, and contact my son directly with a letter. That would give him time to think about it, reread it, and decide on his own without his parents influence if he wanted to contact you. It would also give him time, if he knows his parents would be hurt, to tell them in his own way and his own time. I'm going to assume that they did tell him. If they did not, you would be giving him quite a shock, and his aparents would pay the price for not being truthful. My deep feeling is that a secret kept is always a volcano waiting to erupt. The big question in my mind would be if you have any feelings about whether he knows or not. The other persective as an adoptee is, he may have a void in his life, just like Stephen mentioned and just like I had. It's a void that cannot be filled with love, family, or anything else. My void was filled not only from finding family, but from having some answers. Steve and I both had similar experiences with our moms feeling threatened - maybe it's a mom thing... we love our children so, so much and don't want another woman to replace us. Wouldn't that be terrible?? But you can do much to relieve that fear. I say go with your heart on whether to contact parents or son. But in the end, do make contact, because you may be filling Nick's void - one that he parents don't even know he has. Mine parents never did.
Steve - I understand what you are feeling. And after having my own son, that feeling deepened and almost hurt. And I had this terrible need to get a medical background for my son. You never know when you might find your bfamily. Don't give up. I found my sibs 10 years ago, and just this weekend, another sister found us!!! She recently got her natural birth certificate and was searching sites like this for her natural last name, and on a geneology site, she came across a distant cousin, who put her in touch with my brother! We can't believe it. In Ohio, if you were born before 1964, your adoption records are open, and you can just go to Vital Statistics and get your natural certificate. That's where it all begins. In my case, I just gave a copy of my certificate to a private investigator, and in two weeks he found my bmom! Good luck to both of you and I will keep you in my prayers! Kim
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