[joskids]

This is possibly the most heartfelt and honest thread I've ever read on this site. GottaHaveHope, your words at times echo mine and the guilt that goes along with those feelings is overwhelming.

With our last adoption, we wanted it open. This coming from years of raising our other adopted children, one not even having a photo of his first mother. I have friends in open adoptions that work very well, we hoped for the same. And initially it was all rainbows and sunshine. Our first meeting was incredible, we met her extended family, they loved us and we loved them. It seemed like the answer for birthmother, her family, the birthfather and for us. But that's not how it turned out. Birthfather contested the adoption with the help of birthmother when baby had already been with us at least 4 months. She never got the counseling she needed (even though we would have paid for it and she still needs it). She's never gotten past the hurt. She wishes she would have parented and I feel partially blames us. Recently we heard she doesn't want to visit us because she doesnt want to see us as "one, big, happy family." Really? I thought that's EXACTLY what she would have wanted for her child. She was not sure initially after baby was born, whether she wanted to place. We gave her more time, totally understanding her feelings, and really thought she should have taken the baby home at that point. But she didn't, we cared for her as a foster placement and would have returned her in an instant (with much grief, obviously) because if she wanted to parent, she SHOULD HAVE parented. But months later, well, I'm just sorry but that's not what parenting is all about. Parenting is about "I will do this, no matter what, no matter how difficult, I will make this work, even without help, because I am committed to parenting."

So MY truth is that we are still working on a relationship with her but have lost trust. Birthfather is out of the picture as far as we are concerned. He wanted her to abort, then to place, and then was just trying to "fix a mistake." We are told "they would not want to hurt your family." Really? Then maybe they can take back those months of sleepless nites thinking we would lose our precious girl, and maybe someone could reimburse us for the vast amount of attorney fees (not that money was an issue but we are middle-class and gave up much to fight this). Even aside from all of that, we have concluded that open adoption is not the "happy ending" for everyone. Adoption is not ideal. Loving families are ideal. But we don't live in an ideal world. I hear a lot on this site about birthmothers blaming others for having to place. And I seriously feel for them at a time when they may have felt there weren't a lot of options. But my truth is that we were there when called, we parented when we were asked to parent. We did not steal a baby and I am tired of the guilt that I feel every day knowing our daughter's birthmother regrets her decision. I'm just not sure what anyone would like us to do about that. So if that sounds harsh, heh, guess this is the place for our real feelings and those are mine. I am more compassionate than anyone reading this will ever know but when my family is hurt, to the point of our other 3 adopted children having their security and love for their baby sister threatened, then my compassion wanes. GottaHaveHope, thank you for your honesty. I'd like to give you a great big hug right now . . .