Gottahavehope,
I hope you don't mind an adoptee stepping in here. My truth is that I think a lot of the parts of adoption just plain suck! I have to say that you are incredibly strong! Honestly, from reading some of the birth mom posts on here, I don't know how'd I'd emotionally handle a birth mom's grief. I know personally, I am incredibly weak and wouldn't be able to handle it. I would probably give the baby back.
Sometimes I get upset that my amom has no idea what relinquishing me did to my birth mom or does to any birth mom. Of course 29 years ago, few birth moms and amoms ever met.
Like you, I feel guilty a lot of times, but for other reasons. I feel guilty that beyond my immediate family, I don't really claim the rest of my afamily. I feel guilty that no matter what my amom ever did or could do, she could never make up for my bmom not being in my life. I feel guilty that if she called and said "come" that I would run and maybe not look back.
I am angry that my bmom can't see beyond her own life and see my need to know her. OTOH, I feel guilty that I NEED her in my life and can't figure out how to go on w/ out her.
I feel immense guilt for the pain that she went/continues to go through. I'm terribly sorry that she never got to hold or see me. I'm angry that I was inconsolable in the nursery and that the nurses didn't just take me down the hall to my mother. I'm angry at the attorney who set up all the rules/arrangements. I wonder who he thought he was to govern the beginning of my life? I am angry that my aparents just listened to whatever he said.
I better stop now. LOL!!