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First of all, the fact that you are writing about this is great. I think sometimes it is easy to get "deluded" about your real thoughts/goals, etc. To tell you the truth, I have the exact opposite situation....my DD's birth parents are kind, respectful and loving. My "ugly truth" is that I say that we have a great relationship and we do to some extent, but I feel incredibly guilty that I know that DD's birth mom would love to see her more and I am not really prepared for that. I have been a total coward and said that my DH does not want more visits (this is true...btw, we never "signed up" for an OA, and it kind of just happened). So I sort of hide behind him and make him the "bad guy" -- it's very cowardly and wrong, I know.
To be honest, I would have done the exact same thing that you did in that situation. And you never know what the future will bring -- life is very long and things could definitely change. You seem like a very kind and compassionate person and I think you need to realize that you are not responsible for DS' birth mom's pain. I have the worst case of adoptive mom guilt...it's extremely hard to know that you have benefitted from a choice that was extremely difficult and painful for someone else. One of the reasons that I don't want to have more visits right now is that, after the visits, I am emotionally drained. They are incredibly tough. I want everything to be "happy sunshine" and seeing DD's birth mom crumple when she says good bye to her eats at me for weeks (and frankly, I don't think it makes me a better mom to be torn up like that).
Sometimes I think it is "funny" when I read of others' experiences and go, "Why can't mine be like that!" But the reality is is that every situation is unique...every person is unique, etc. Adoption is not for the faint of heart (for anyone in the equation).
Hang in there!
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