[gottahavehope]

Adoption has been on my mind constantly lately. I've been all turned around. I'm questioning why I feel the way I do about things. Another post frustrated me, but ultimately got me thinking...

We all have our feelings and opinions about adoption, right? But, where do our strong convictions come from...What are your adoption truths?

Here is what I came up with. (Be warned. It's not pretty)

I'm threatened by my son's birthmother's role. I don't want to be one of two mothers. I realize this because even though she has acted terribly in the past few months, I didn't really work hard enough to understand her grief. I just got hurt and angry and started to close off. Would I have done that with anyone else? Probably not? I'm generally a really compassionate person.

Okay, it gets worse. Now that we no longer talk, I finally feel like my son's mother. I'm shocked that I'm writing that but even as I do, I know it's true. Her presence makes me feel less. Why do I have to feel that way?

I thought at first that the real problem was that she kept telling me I wasn't his real mom and that she hated me..granted that was not fun at all and totally inappropriate on her part.... but it was a manifestation of her intense grief and a mirror of my own insecurity. If I had been sure of my role in the first place, I shouldn't have been so hurt by that. I'm not saying it was right what she did, but I think my reaction to her was based on my fear that in some way she was right to call me out as the "fake" Mommy.

So, I walked away and I walked fast. Heck, I sprinted for the nearest exit sign. What I mean by that is even though I kept calling, writing, sending pics, I distanced myself emotionally and already had one foot on the threshold when she told me she wanted to end it.

I'm not proud of any of this and what might be worse is that truthfully right now, I don't even want to go back. I just want to own up to what I'm feeling because I want to do right by my son. Figuring out why I am doing what I'm doing is the first step.

I say I want him to be happy but the truth is I want his happiness to mean that he doesn't want to know her. I hate myself for feeling this. I'm a hypocrite. I've criticized her for screaming at me and telling me that she hopes my son grows up to hate me and that she can't stand him being happy with me as his mother...but even while I was comforting her and trying to get her to work through it with me, in the back of my head I was terrified that her wish would come true. Terrified I wouldn't be enough. Terrified that adopted mommy meant less of a mommy and so while on one hand I was telling her we could work through it, the other part of my brain was saying get out, get away, run, run, run from this woman.

And then, she ran first and I had the gall to be angry with her. She got pregnant and shut me out. She said she never wanted to talk to us again...and I don't know how to feel about that.

I don't know how to feel about any of this.

And, to make matter worse..if I tell my family or my friends or basically anyone outside of this board all of this they will tell me that I'm lucky she cut and ran. They'll tell me that I shouldn't care for her. They'll hurl stereotypes that will make me cringe and start defending her. Me...the person who couldn't even get the courage to make our friendship work. I suck! I really suck.

Still, I'm angry at her for not being different. I know..how dare I say that. But, I am. I read the posts from birthmothers here and I wish that she could be more like you all~willing to do the work. Yet, how willing have I been? Still, I read about your open adoptions and they scare the life out of me. Why?

Where am I going with these new thoughts? I really don't even know. I just want to clear the slate and really start digging.

I love my son so much. I want to do right by him.
I look at this boy, this little ball of light and love and energy and I am so afraid of failing him. I'm so afraid he'll grow up and hate me for getting it all wrong.

Sigh....So that is my truth right now, bare bones and ugly as can be.

Care to share yours???