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wow, karsonsmom, that's terrible. Our fd/niece is my BIL's child, I thought that was complicated enough. Having an ex-wife in the mix, I can't even begin to wrap my brain around that one.
I know what you mean about people asking the child to do something instead of checking with the parent first, though. This seems to happen a lot during activities, especially expensive ones--a coach, dance instructor, etc., talks to the child about going up a level, adding hours, being in an extra show, etc., and before you know it, your activity budget just doubled. Or you have one disappointed kid who is convinced you have denied them the chance of a lifetime. "Cool" parents of your kids friends also tend to make big offers directly to the kids before asking.
p4Disney: You are way ahead of me on this journey. On-topic, we are in a foster situation and family has been pretty supportive. Although fd is only nearly 8, her "situation" has been brewing since birth and she has a half-sib, now 17, who was in and out of care when she was younger, too. So people were expecting and ready to support a permanent change.
It took some time for some of them to fully understand that a young child needs to be adopted, to have parents, not "custodians," to be permanently settled with no fear of being uprooted again.
Odd things still crop up, though, as if the full reality hasn't quite sunk in. Inheritance is suddenly weirdly complicated and for now, she is slated to inherit twice--quite the lucky young lady, I guess, as they don't quite understand why we would put her in our will post-adoption. Name change is another thing taking some by surprise. It's not so much that they don't approve as that many of the repercussions simply hadn't occurred to them.
Both they and the parents, though, tended to misunderstand or forget our role as foster parents through the case, acting as if we were advancing it and controlling contact when of course it was all on the state. Phone calls during the foster case were a nightmare. The parents have always been quick to tell anyone who will listen that we are "getting paid" to take care of their daughter.
But I don't really have anything solid to say about post-adoption because it hasn't happened yet.
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