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We have had three older child adoptions, and five infant adoptions. Two of the infant adoptions are now grown, doing well, and are swell adults.
All three of the older child adoptions failed in some way. (The remaining three infant adoptions are still in infancy or pre-schoolers now. All three doing well.)
I know that in the past, stats showed that the older the child when placed, the higher the rate of disruption.
Disruption or dissolution (which is the term I think more aptly describes what happens) is something that few (if any) agencies want to discuss.
And, as far as I'm concerned, and from what I've read and experienced, you are correct to assume the system wants little to do with any situations that don't work out. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, they don't even want to talk about it, for fear people will re-consider adopting older children.
There ARE successful older child adoptions....BUT, adopting older children requires a totally different mind-set, I believe. It also requires a different type of parenting in many situations, and the determination some couples just don't have.
Those that do, have a determination and preserverence that's beyond commitment, believe me.
We tried for years to help the three we had (two separate adoptions)...and regardless of the therapies and such, there were things that could NOT be changed---because the kids had to want to change first. This was not the case. Further, when we needed help---the system was no where in sight....much more, they were prepared to take us to court, to scorn us for 'not sticking with it' (after more than four and seven years for the children)......and they were quite willing to allow our other children to be in total harm's way!!!!
The main thing to remember is that education is the key...period. Also, knowing that YOU have all the choice in whether to accept a particular child or not. Don't be pushed into accepting a kid you feel will not fit.
There are other considerations as well, but the two above are probably paramount in deciding whether to adopt an older child---and which child to accept.
Good luck in your decision.
Sincerely,
Linny
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