Thank you for the support and understanding. The thing that prompted me to post even though I am beyond those PAD feelings over my DS adoption is, the other day my anxiety disorder reared its ugly head again. In a big way. And I went into a full blown panic attack that lasted over a day. I was so filled with guilt. My body reacted with chest pain, shortness of breath, insomnia, no food could be tolerated, etc. It's like all the bad things I could ever think about myself just came rushing in, snowballing me. There were things inside that I guess needed brought out and dealt with (only wish I could have known a more constructive way than that). I couldn't get out from under it. I just felt like an evil person, even though the negative thoughts about the adoption have mostly been long gone. It's like it was being thrown in my face to deal with now that I am actually happy. Why???
But if it hadn't happened, I guess I never would have gone researching PAD on the internet and found this place. Now I know I am not a bad, evil person, just a normal human being (who has always had bouts of anxiety, panic, ocd, depression, etc. since I was little) And having those things just made it that much harder on me when I was going through the worst of the PAD symptoms. It makes me realize I am even stronger than I thought I was. With everything heaped on me, the mental "illness", the major life changes and upheaval (regardless of if I brought those on), I didn't go crazy, I didn't hurt anyone, I survived and now I have a great life. (Not to put down those who didn't get through their times and did bad things, everyone has a different load to bear). I'm just saying I have been soooo hard on myself at times. And here all along I was just a normal human with normal thoughts and feelings pertaining to the situation at hand, compounded by the mental "unbalance". If I hadn't had the big "breakdown" the other day, I never would have come to realize that maybe. I might have always carried guilt over what I felt back then on some level, might have always thought I was an evil person. I might have never went looking too deep into what these symptoms actually were - not signs of evilness, but just humanity. (BTW, same as you guys, doesn't it help to know you aren't alone??
Wish I had realized it sooner).
I am going to see my counselor next week. I haven't been there since before the adoption over 2 years ago because I thought I was doing ok. And of course when I was going through the worst of my symptoms after the adoption, I was scared to tell anyone for various reasons.
I have been really happy for the last couple months. I was starting to really get into living life to the fullest, being creative again. Then this big guilt/anxiety situation came up the other day. Maybe it's a good thing in disguise, to help me clear something out of myself that wasn't good for me. At any rate, I am going to tell her everything. I need to get things out. Not just about PADS, but other things I have held in that aren't related. It's about time I face that this anxiety disorder is something I had all my life and needs to be treated regularly. I used to think I could just get through it. And I don't do half bad. I have been on meds a couple different times (including during the whole adoption process and after), but they messed up my sex drive and it was bad. So I would go off them (was torturous going thru withdrawals) and be fine. I was doing so well on my own. I only want to go back on them if absolutely necessary, so I am hoping by talking to her that I will get these issues out and make sure I have methods to neutralize the unwanted anxious thoughts that come if they come. Deal and go on.
Anyway, I am rambling, but I am happy to find some people who can relate. You guys are great.