[karsonsmom]

My daughter is 10, we've had her "this time" since she was 17 months old, we had guardianship for a few yrs, then finally adopted about 4 yrs ago. So this isn't a "new thing" for the extended family.
She was bio granddaughter-birthmom is my husband's middle daughter. Makes grandmom my husband's exwife. EEK.

Grandmom cannot stand the fact that we are mama and daddy and not grandparents. It's the names she mainly has trouble with, because the whole town now knows the family business. I guess she thought she could keep up the charade forever....that I was "babysitting" or something!!

Anyway, birthmom is never around except holidays, etc., when it is least convenient for me.

I've visited 4 different family therapists who've all said my daughter shouldn't have any contact with birthmom or grandmom unless and until they get with the program and respect that we are this child's parents (and all that that means), that she is now birthmom's sister, that we are not pretend parents or babysitter's, etc.

We have constant interference from grandmom, who quite obviously has very little true interest in the child, it is in the image she wants to project in the community. She is embarrassed that her own daughter wouldn't take care of her child.

The issue that is currently bugging me the most this month is that she refuses to ask me first if my daughter can go with her/do something with her. She insists on mentioning it first to my daughter. I have repeatedly told her and the rest of the clan that either my husband or myself must be asked first before anything is said to the child. I would have thought this would be obvious--does anyone out there think I'm wrong about this? I believe it is unfair to put the parent on the spot. For instance, tonight grandmom ruined our surprise for our daughter: We had a trip to Atlanta planned for next week and were going to wait until the car was packed before telling her we were going. Surprise! Grandmom called, asked child if she wanted to go to so and so's house for 5 days with her next week (too long anyway I say) and I was caught on the phone trying to explain why she couldn't go with her. Now the cat's out the bag and one of the parts of this family trip (the surprise element) has been ruined by grandmom because she didn't adhere to my policy.
Please tell me what to say to her to get her to understand that I do mean business about this.
Oh, and get this--she wants us to let her meet us in Atlanta (not far from her husband's grandchildren's home where she is vacationing) and pick up our daughter after we do a few of the activities we've planned. Sort of hurry up with our vacation and let her take her. She doesn't see our daughter often (very little interest on child's part, and part of therapist's suggestion to cool the relationship while she is undermining us). How dare she even suggest we let her take K, meet us at the Braves game with her, and let her pick her back up from us. God I'm mad.