Hi, I was surfing the net looking for some help with post adoption depression. I guess I have been
suppressing guilt about how I have felt for a while. But then today it just overwhelmed me for whatever
reason. I had been hard on myself today.
I am so glad I found this place. My jaw hung open as I read some stories here because wow - I'm not the
only one! So I will tell my story as shortly as I can, and maybe put some questions in uppercase for you all.
We adopted internationally over 2 years ago. This child was older (over 9). We wanted an older child for
various reasons. It was a huge change for all the normal reasons but also the fact that it had just been me
and my DH for over a decade. We hadn't wanted kids before, but then some different things changed our
hearts and we thought we had a loving home to share with a child.
DOES THAT LAST PART SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE?
Well, I have always had anxiety probs, even OCD and some depression. But I got the clear from the
therapist to adopt. I had a lot of anxiety and doubts during the adoption process. When we got the boy
home, it all seemed so weird and out of place. It was as I read somewhere else, like this kid who stays all
night and the next day they are still there, and the next and so on. LOL. Then it sinks in that this is
permanent.
CAN YOU RELATE?
I tried so hard to bond with him, my heart was on my sleeve though. I cried a lot out of despair that he
didn't want anything to do with me. I felt hopeless about it.
I had read books on attachment, talked to others on email forums and knew about the disorders and all
going into it. He had *some* of the symptoms. I knew he was going through a lot of grief and adjustment
too. I wasn't expecting him to instantly love me, although I'm sure on some level I had a fantasy about this
happy family. But try as I might, I took the rejection personally over and over again. He seemed to bond
pretty well with DH, but our son made it a point to reject me and was disrespectful to me when he thought
he could get away with it. To us, it was very obvious.
Of course, we had little to no support from friends and family. To them, he was a good boy. They couldn't
see the manipulation and they couldn't understand the attachment methods, such as them not feeding him,
hugging him, etc. for a while. They resented it instead and I had to defend it against some upset people. So
add that stress on top.
HAVE YOU DEALT WITH THIS TOO?
I won't go into all the things that he used to do/not do that were hard to bear.
Logically, I know he was going through so much, I would try to think how he must feel. Sometimes he
would cry these howling cries of grief in his room. It wasn't that I was unable to empathize. I felt like in a
way we had that grieving in common. I am only human and can only take so many months of terrible
despair.
I took to drinking a lot and sometimes went to bed and pulled the covers over my head. Nobody knew
about the drinking, I was good at hiding it, and acting sober. I used alcohol to help me get through some
really rough times. I was on antidepressants too.
Well, my biggest fear I think was that "what if this never changes? What if he never bonds or attaches to
me, and this is my fate for however many years til he moves out?" I tell you, the thought of that was
*overwhelming*. That was what made it all unbearably frightening.
The first 6 months were an emotional, mental torturous pit in hell's toilet bowl.
And then I stopped really feeling for him. I just turned off my heart as best I could. I was too afraid of it
getting trampled on further. Even though I understood I was the adult and I had read all the stuff on how
this process plays out, it was just the fear that I could have my feelings hurt for years and years over and
over in this way. And that we had made a terrible mistake.
I wondered what in the world I had done to me and my DH's happy life. I wondered if things were ever
gonna change, would I ever adjust, would our son every adjust? I started getting "hardened". I felt like a
wall was put up over my heart and I had become a sort of unfeeling shell in some regards. I began to get in
touch with that side that we all tend to push down, to gloss over with lovey dovey stuff, the part we pretend
doesn't exist. I finally for the first time really let myself just feel whatever I wanted to feel, to think the
thoughts that came without trying to suppress them as bad. This made me feel guilty too though in a way
sometimes, because I felt it meant I was a bad person who had these bad thoughts. "Good people don't let
themselves think these kind of things. Maybe this is who I have been all along... I never would have
allowed myself to think that before." But in a way it felt good to just be free to think and feel what I really
felt, without trying to push it down or cover it up with cliches and whatever.
I sometimes had thoughts about how much I regretted ruining our lives this way. If only I could go back
and not adopt. How *freeing* it would be if something happened to him and he was just gone. Maybe
having him removed. Maybe I would get a call he'd been in an accident.
So, this is the part that is scary to admit. Occasionally, I would feel really ready to die inside of despair and
hopelessness and I would think of a last resort to free myself of this huge burden, and think of somehow
getting rid of him myself somehow, sort of indirectly I guess. Where nobody could pin anything on me. It
sounds so awful to be expressing this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT?
I liked knowing there was still some last resort option if things didn't
work out, to end my pain, wipe away my mistake, prevent me from totally withering away in agony. I was
partly comforted by the thought that I had that last "escape button", that last and final back up method if my
emotional pain ever became too much.
And it's bad because unlike what I've read about post partum depression where these urges or impulses just
came unwanted, that wasn't so much an impulse feeling as just a feeling that gave me a sense of having some
control over my life again, that I was glad to have. That I still had option, choices.
THE ABOVE IS THE SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER ADMITTED TO.
But I never did anything; the only things I have ever done are to promote our closeness. Still, just knowing I
had those kind of thoughts, I have felt such guilt sometimes. Before finding this forum, I just felt alone and
thought I must be a really evil person since nobody else I know that adopted talked about it. You heard of
PPD, but PAD?
So like I said, I kind of kept my distance emotionally from him. And he started to change and adjust. It
took him at least one year to really start to meld into what we had hoped for in the first place. And it gets
better all the time.
I still don't really feel like a mom though. It feels weird to hear him calling me Mom. I just don't really have
those maternal feelings like other women seem to. Sometimes I feel like I just go through the motions of
what I'm supposed to say and do as a mother. There are times I feel like I don't even care. Like, I only
care about the mom things because that's what's expected.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE?
Oh, I know that sounds awful. And the thing is, now he is a great kid. He treats me well, he does what he
is told, he is honest enough, cares about his grades, listens well, is intelligent, funny, has a good heart, etc. I
like this person that is my son. My heart sings sometimes about him and what a great life I have. We have
a good bond in some ways. That's probably why I feel such guilt now, if he was a mean, manipulative kid it would be easy to not feel guilt I suppose. But he's awesome.
My heart is open some to him now. I don't feel like I'm going to get my heart ripped out, stomped on and
thrown in the dumpster by him now. My insecurities are gone about his feelings for me. But there is still
that sort of feeling that I am "testing" him often. Like just waiting for him to be caught in some lie, to do
something awful and his real true colors be revealed.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN HERE?
I am starting to get over it though.
And I occasionally still get the bit of panic over "what have I done?" Then I remind myself of what I have
and how my life would not be what it is today without him. There are ways my life has changed for the
better since we got him that I *know* wouldn't have happened otherwise.
I am so proud of him. Although he doesn't say he loves us, I know he does. He is affectionate, funny, talks
to us. He is the boy I had hoped for all along now. He is such a good kid. And I know nobody is perfect,
so I don't have impossible standards. I just can't believe how we lucked out with such a great kid. I have
the family right now that I had hoped for when we started this whole process. They say the only difference
between insanity and bravery is the outcome. If our outcome hadn't been good.. (shudder).
I think I have at least partly changed for the better too. I used to think what is the use about doing a lot of
things. Now I have been taking a real interest and joy in life. I have a life other than being a mom. I'm a
person. LOL. I am finding that less attachment to certain things is helping. For example, being less
attached at a certain outcome, at his being a certain way, etc. At realizing life has challenges and I can meet
them scared, mad, hopeless, or just meet them and still be happy about the good things in life. I just realize
that we can do our best at raising him and then whatever he does is his choice. We know we did our best.
I do love my son. Not as much as I will love him next month or next year, but love is growing. And sometimes I am amazed when I think to myself how much I do love him. Because I was so used to not really feeling that for him, just not feeling much. But I love my son. He loves me.
OK, so I laid my soul bare to people I don't know about something that isn't exactly pc to talk about. I feel
better just knowing I'm not alone. And getting this out to people who can understand. I would like
comments if you feel like it. Thanks all.