[mrsbusby]

Truth is - I'm not really in search - I'm lost.
I was in touch with LDSSS and the caseworker there was nice enough to call the adoptive family - unfortunately the adoptive mom answered the phone and panicked. The caseworker couldn't even get her to admit who she was until he prodded her some.
She is scared and wants nothing to do with a reunion. My son is only 18 - going to be 19 next week - and therefore until he is 21, I have to go through his parents.
I wrote a letter to her and him - asking for contact. I don't believe she ever gave it to him. It had my myspace address on it so that he could perhaps lurk on my life a bit with no strings attached - but I've never heard anything from him.
As I said, he turns 19 next week - and he will probably be going on a mission soon because I believe he is still Mormon. He will be completely unable to contact for two years and he may go to a third world country or worse. I believe that if anything ever happened to him, I wouldn't be told. I'm very discouraged.
Nothing against the adoptive mom - I sympathize with her as best I can - but I feel like by giving him up, I did a selfless thing - so that she could have a family - and it's ironic that she is now being so selfish - at least in my opinion. I'm probably wrong to feel that way.
I was so excited for his 18th birthday - I was under some false delusion that on that magic day last year I would receive a phone call from him and it would all fall into place. But reality dealt me a harsh slap in the face. It is hard to keep hoping when I know the obstacles that are in my way. It's hard to stop dreaming of him.
Thanks for listening.