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I agree that you need to set clear boundaries; be absolutely honest about your feelings. It sounds like such a "simple" answer, but it really can be difficult.
My husband and I went through a similar thing with our oldest son's bmom. She told lies and half truths similar to the ones you mentioned, as well as some that were unsettling to us - when she was around our son with her boyfriends (not the bfather) she'd say "go play with your son". She'd also call him by the name that she gave him, and not the one we gave him. We were really concerned about how this would affect our son.
About a year and a half ago (our son is now 5 1/2), everything fell apart and our SW told us to end contact with her, except in writing. Let me tell you, it was the roughest year and a half of our life. She, of course, was angry - we, of course, were hurt. We kept contact through letters, which of course just made things worse. I was so intent on making her see our side of things that I failed to take her feelings into consideration. She was more intent on telling us how rotten we were that she failed to see that we were just scared of how this would affect our son. The letters became less and less about him, and more about who was right.
This has been very difficult on my family, and I new things had to change. Last week I found the message boards on this site. I had read a million books on adoption and thought I had a pretty good handle on things, but after reading these posts, I can see how wrong I have been. After a great deal of reading and reflecting, I called our bmom and we spoke about a great many things. I realize now that although she may have overstepped many, many boundaries, it was our responsibility to put them in place. Telling us to cut our relationship was really bad advice (we were told to do the same thing with our youngest son's bparents for a whole other situation). Needless to say, I am sorry for the time our bmom lost with our son, however I believe we can move forward and hopefully build a stronger, more honest relationship.
The lesson I learned was to make sure we are honest with our feelings and clear about our needs. We are going on 6 years, and are still learning the ropes! Good luck, and thanks for letting me tell my story!
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