[tammra]

I just would like to say that I gave my son up for adoption 10+ years ago. He is 11 now.

Since that time I married and now have 6 great kids. Their ages are 8,7,5,3,2 & 1. My little stairsteps.

I have pictures of my first son, his adoptive parents sent me a few after his adoption was finalized. I have kept those pictures and over the years, every now and then when I needed to see them I would pull them out. They were with all of the other family pictures. So, one day my oldest asked who that baby was and I told him. He was only 5 at the time and did not entirely understand but that was ok...he knew something.

About 2 years ago my son's were asking their dad if he was the first person who came out of my tummy. Go figure my husband 6'1 coming out of my tummy. LOL Anyhow, I was in the store during these tense moments. So, I did not find out until afterwards. But my husband explained that Granny had him and that they have an older brother who lives somewhere else right now and he was the first person who came out of mom's belly.

So, that has set things in motion for our family. The two oldest boys will ask questions about "DJ"(the son that I placed for adoption. ) I know that my 7 year old asks or brings up DJ once every few days just out of the blue. My oldest says he can't wait to teach DJ how to play video games. The boys argue back and forth if DJ is really their brother and I try to reexplain that DJ is in fact their 1/2 brother. So, my children help keep the memory of my first son alive for me. I do believe that my husband has been the greatest supporter with our children now and my first son. He helped lighted the load and when to tell the kids by his honesty.

I think that the hardest thing is, the adoption was semi-open. I picked the adoptive parents and met them. They stayed in touch for a short time after the adoption through the adoption agency by letters and pictures. So, my children only have baby pictures to see. It is hard for them to grasp that DJ is older then they are. I think that was the hardest part in explaining thing to them.

I have told ever one that I know about my son and my past. (Not sure if it is ok to say my son but to me he always will be) This way there are no surprises. I also don't think that it is ever too late to tell your children. I think that the longer one waits to tell a spouse or their children the more they feel at a loss and live with "this private secret". I know that with teenagers it will be harder (I can relate some since I was told who my biological father was when I was 10) I know that it is not the exact same thing but it sent my life into more uncertainty.

So, to those who have had children of their own, I suggest telling your children about the one you gave up for adoption because it makes life easier in the long run. Alot less surprises if DJ ever shows up on my doorstep or calls us.

Every birthmom has their own way of handling things and each of the children we have now will have some needed adjustment time after they are told. I think the most important thing is to reassure our children that we will be there for them and will be happy to answer all of their questions even if they have them at 2 A.M. Once you open the door to your children about a child placed for adoption, they need time to think and understand just like us adults do when we find out any shocking news.

Many people are now favoring open adoption! Why? Because there are no secrets. And if you look back at any situation, the less secrets their are, the easier life is to adjust too.

I am just sharing my opinion and thoughts. I realize that not everyone will share my thinking and I am okay with that. I wish all birthmom's the best of luck sharing their experience with their children and or future children. I have found that even though the adoption process has cause me much pain and hurt, my children show me how to love and also remember!

I took up scrap booking a last summer and that has helped alot. The son that I placed for adoption way back when is also in our family scrap book. He may not belong to my husband BUT he IS our childrens brother. I can tell you that those were the hardest pages to make BUT my children enjoy looking through them all and love the book. They also ask when they will meet DJ. So, if I don't find him or he does not find me, I have a good feeling one of my six children will find him.

Good~Luck!
Tammra